Is it so wrong to crave recognition? Is it so
wrong to want rewarding? To want more than is given to you? Tonight make me unstoppable, and I will
charm, I will slice, I will dazzle them with my wit. Tonight make me
unstoppable and I will charm, I will slice, I will dazzle, I will outshine all.
BLOC PARTY
He crumpled the page of the
newspaper which he felt was deriding him personally, and threw it into the
fireplace, watching it catch fire like all the other things he had hurled into
the flames tonight. As crumpled as the paper, his insides felt, because he
could burn the notice, but he couldn’t vanquish his burning awareness. ‘PAULINE
AND RUSSEL POTTER ARE PROUD TO PRONOUNCE THE WEDDING BETWEEN THEIR SON JAMES
POTTER AND LILY EVANS. WE WISH TO THANK EVERYBODY WHO…’
Wish to thank everybody who
didn’t turn up at the wedding and kill the bridegroom?! No – Severus wasn’t
mentioned by name. Even though he had indeed merited an invitation – he had
been stunned how unfeeling Lily could be, inviting him of all persons to
her wedding with the world’s greatest prat! It wasn’t as if Severus had
been running a close second place for the then vacant position, he had never –
well – even mentioned that he… And if she had noticed, she had been kind
enough to never mention it either. But her new husband – his lips curled
disdainfully with the thought – had rapidly vanquished all kindness that Lily
had ever possessed, and if he hadn’t fully succeeded yet, he surely would soon.
As the invitation proved.
There was a knock at the
door, and he growled, “Whatever it is – go away!”
“It’s me, Savvy.”
He squeezed his eyes shut
and adopted a friendlier tone, “Please, Narcissa, leave me alone. I’m really
not in the mood to –”
“Stop making excuses and
open the door. You know I’m not above blasting it.”
“Yes, you are,” he said, unable
to suppress a little smile.
“In any case, I’m not above
staying here and getting on your nerves!”
“I could hex the door
sound-proof, you know?”
“And you know that I’d know
a spell to counteract that. Now stop making such a fuss and let me in.”
“I’ve got work to do, Cissa.
I really have no time to – I got to finish two essays, and –”
Of course he opened the door
after all, but not without making another dozen excuses first. Narcissa entered
in all her regal glory – there weren’t that many witches on campus clad in
brocade robes, and certainly none with her kind of attitude – and wearing a
subtle smile on top. He sighed and gave her a little smile, too, indicating at
a huge pile of books on his desk. She skimmed them with a disparaging glance.
“You’ve read all of them
before you were of age even, Severus. You can fool anyone, but not me.”
“And why, I ask you, would I
try to fool you?”
“Because you’re in a huff.
Don’t you deny it – it’s written all across your face.” She cast a poignant
glance at the fireplace, and the remnants of letters and photos smouldering
there. She arched a brow, half quizzical, half pitiful, and said, “Now get your
act together and accompany me, Lucius is waiting for us.”
He was speechless, and could
only shake his head. He was of age by now, he had graduated from
Hogwarts, enrolled in College, and even if he’d live to an old age – Narcissa
would never drop that habit of looking at him like he was still a meagre First
Year, skulking in some corner of the Slytherin Common Room. She seemed to guess
his thoughts, because her air suddenly changed. She looked straight into his
eyes, somewhat imploring, and muttered, “Come on, Savvy, please. I promised
Lucius I’d bring you along.”
“But why? Honestly,
Narcissa, I’m no good company tonight, you’ll have a much nicer evening without
me.”
“I’ve seen so little of you
in the past six weeks. How is it possible? Lucius has seen more of you, and
he’s not even in College any longer. I want to hear how you’re doing.”
“I’m fine! Seriously,
I could have told you so much through the closed door.”
“Now will you come or not?
I’ve ordered a fabulous dinner, and Lucius mentioned he wants to kill a vat of
Abraxas’ favourite Bordeaux. There’ll be no living next to him tomorrow if you
let him drink it all on his own.”
“I take it you won’t take
‘no’ for an answer?”
Of course she wouldn’t.
Severus doubted that Narcissa Malfoy had ever been denied anything she had
taken into her head. He wasn’t stupid, he had an idea why she insisted so
badly, and this was also the very reason why he didn’t want to go. He wouldn’t
endure it to have his two friends belittle him because Lily had married that
goddamned pain in the arse Potter. He didn’t want to talk about it, he didn’t
want to think about it, and most of all, he really, really didn’t want
any pity.
He couldn’t decline,
naturally. Well, technically he could, but it would have been very
improper. Lucius and Narcissa were financing his College education, they paid
for the room, the fees, the books. That was another thing she had prevailed
upon despite his fiercest resistance. He hadn’t wanted to go on living
at his friends’ expense and graces, it was a question of pride and self-esteem.
Hadn’t Narcissa preached him for years he’d have to stock up on self-esteem?!
Now he had it, but he was still depending on her and her husband.
He had no money of his own,
so he had applied for every bursary, grant and scholarship in the book. He
still wondered how he could have been that naïve, all right. Albeit his
fabulous marks, his eleven outstanding NEWTs, the fact that he had more brains
than any of his fellow students, he – of course – hadn’t won a single
one of them. These bloody bigots awarding grants cared more for his Muggle
father than his IQ. He couldn’t help it, idiots! Nobody would have been
more grateful than Severus himself if he had not got this father!
The Malfoys had offered at
once to step into the breach, but he had refused. He’d rather work a few years,
and if it was in some bloody Muggle job, to earn the money, than depend on his
friends. Not that they didn’t have it. His entire education could possibly be
paid for by one of Narcissa’s earrings, or a single one of the combs she used
to tie up her hair. The Queen of Sheba hadn’t had more exquisite jewellery.
Actually, Narcissa possessed half of the Queen’s gems already, they had been a
gift for her twenty-first birthday from her doting husband. Severus smirked
whenever he thought of it; in his mind, the fortunes of the Malfoys bordered on
obscenity. Narcissa’s wedding ring was wielded of platinum and gold, a golden
dragon and a platinum snake entwining on the background of opals, and topped by
a ridiculously large solitaire. One day, she’d be bludgeoned to death only
because some thief wanted to get the darned ring – well, it’d be the last thing
that thief would ever do, except for begging Lucius to please, please kill him
at last, probably.
However – Severus had said
no and stood his ground. Not a week later, he had received a letter from one of
the foundations that had rejected him. Some Madam Knightley had informed him
that they would be able to do something for him after all – there was a full
scholarship that he appeared to be cut out for, he should kindly show up for
another interview, with the necessary papers, because this one scholarship
could only be granted to someone with at least one Muggle parent, at least ten
outstanding NEWTs and verified extracurricular achievements. He should have
been suspicious, admittedly, but in that moment, he had been so overwhelmed by
joy and relief, he hadn’t wondered for a minute where the hell they had
unearthed that unheard-of grant.
The interview had been
successful, and twenty-four hours after receiving the owl, he was the proud
owner of a full scholarship, a modest room on campus, and the papyrus
certificate proving him to be a Junior of Artemis College. He had rushed to
write to his friends, reporting the unforeseen stroke of luck, and only when
receiving their too-quick reply with an invitation for dinner to celebrate the
joyous event, he had smelled the truth. In a flush of defiance, he had accepted
the invitation and told Lucius straightaway that he would give back the grant
first thing next morning. This one had shrugged, shaken his head and said, “Have it your way, then!”
Narcissa though had not
put up with his refuse. “Listen, Savvy, you would have accepted
everybody else’s money, right? Simply look at it this way – it’s a scholarship
supposed to correct the insufferable injustice of the usual allocation process
–”
“Why are you doing this?
Lucius detests people of my birth!”
“You don’t seriously believe
that Lucius detests you?!”
“Narcissa, let’s not deceive
ourselves here. Lucius might not detest me, but that’s only because he’s
come to appreciate me because you chose to befriend me in school! And
he’d have put up with a manticore if you had chosen to keep it as your
pet!”
“You’re not going to be
sulking now, are you!”
“I’m not sulking,
just saying how it is!”
“Whatever his initial reason
might have been, Lucius regards you as his friend, Severus!”
He had felt ashamed and
lowered his angry gaze. “Yes, I suppose he does…”
“And it’s not like this was
some gift in the original sense of the idea either! Lucius did
found that grant, but not exclusively for you, even if you are the first one to
benefit from it. I already know the next beneficiary, he happens to be my
brother-in-law! You deserve this money, Savvy! You’d have deserved any
of the bursaries you applied for, much more than the cretins eventually getting
them! If a bright kid like yourself cannot attend College, they can shut down
the cursed place just as well!”
“But I –”
“You’ll be great one day,
Savvy! I mean, you’re great already, but there’ll come the time when you’ll
truly outshine us all. If you think it’s necessary, you can pay back the money
once you’ve patented your first potion, all right? And that is really
the last thing I ever want to hear or say on this subject!”
So, he owed them, once
again, he owed his two great friends. It didn’t sit well with him, but from a
more rational point of view – the other students depended on the money that
their parents gave them. Severus would never have taken a single penny
from his old man (not that Tobias had a single penny to spare), he could
accustom to take a loan from people he truly respected, and who’d spent just as
much money only to acquire some exclusive bottle of wine.
Or an entire vat of it, like
tonight. Narcissa hadn’t been joking; Lucius had one of his habitual fall-outs
with his father, and decided to annoy the old warlock in the best way he could.
Abraxas loved his wine cellar, more than his only child probably, so tonight,
there was a French Bordeaux on the menu, the last vat from the famous 1793
vintage. A good deal was served along with the excellent dinner, they drank
more in the parlour until Narcissa went to bed, and they made a pass to the
poolroom next.
“Drink, pal,” Lucius
muttered in a slightly slurred voice. “I’ve told the elves to use the rests for
cleaning the brass cauldrons tomorrow.”
“He’ll murder you, I hope
you bear that in mind.”
Lucius laughed out loud.
“He’d love to, but he won’t, at least not before I haven’t propagated!”
“So that’s the reason why
you haven’t already? You’re keeping a life insurance?” Severus grinned.
Lucius grinned, too. “Yep,
that, and the fact that it’d be such a deplorable waste if Cissa didn’t finish
her senior degrees. I like my woman sharp, y’know.”
“She already is, and you’re
drunk.”
“Yes, I am.” He tried to aim
the cue, but missed the ball by five inches at least. “Merlin, I am… You know…
I – I think I… I reckon I’d be an appalling father…”
“What makes you say that?”
Severus asked, awkward and slightly astonished. As long as he had known him,
Lucius had never shown the remotest trace of self-doubt!
“Don’t know… I’m just not up
for that sort of thing, I guess…” Lucius lifted his shoulders and shot the
goblet in his hand a contemplative glance. “I know I’ll have to – eventually –
but for now I’m glad that Cissa wants to get her Senior WASPs and all that.
I’ll be such a total failure.”
“Rubbish,” Severus muttered
more enthusiastically than he truly was. He, too, couldn’t imagine Lucius as a
father.
“Look at my old man. Or
yours, in that instance. I hate the idea of such a little tyke looking at me
and loathing me as much as I loathe Abraxas, or as you hate old Tobias.”
Severus felt highly
uncomfortable, and murmured, “Doesn’t have to be like that, right?”
Lucius swayed the wine in
his goblet. “No… I reckon not… Cissa’s father isn’t like that. But I’m not cut
out for the old, respectable patriarch type either, I’m afraid. Not in my
blood.”
“How come…?”
“Ah, well… Abraxas keeps on
bugging me… He was all over the place when he heard that Cissa won’t drop out
of college after her Junior degrees. Thinks he must see to me producing the
heir before it’s too late, the bastard.” Lucius’ grey eyes sparkled with
subdued anger. “He’d never pick up a fight with her, but that doesn’t keep him
from patronising and belittling her, does it, and frighten her, telling her I
might be dead tomorrow… And as for me… Oh well.” He leant back and
swallowed a good deal of wine with one big sip.
“What?”
“The bottom line? – It’s all
my fault, of course. Can’t bring my wife to do as she ought to and all
that shit. As if I’d even want to bring her to do anything. He wouldn’t dare
to say that to her face, naturally! Always going on how smart she is – but
behind her back, he wants her to throw it all away, and let herself be reduced
to a breeding cow, that filthy shithead! You should have heard him!”
“What did he say then?”
“Oh, you don’t really want
to know! I don’t want to talk about it either… – You reckon they’d
suspect me if Abraxas was found murdered?”
“You’d be the number one on
their list of suspects, mate.”
“And if I had an alibi or
something?”
“You. Are. Not.
Going. To. Murder. Your. Father. Get real, man!”
“What about this? I do your
dad, and you’ll finish off mine in turn? It’d be perfect, it’d be –”
Severus giggled and wrenched
his last ball. “If someone’s killing off old Toby, that’s going to be me and no
one else, buddy. No jesting. I want to be the last one seeing the prick
writhing in agony.”
“No offence, Lucius, but you
don’t even score a hit with the cue anymore. You’d accidentally kill me
while pointing your wand at the barman!”
“Oh, all right. We could try
and have some fun with Potter though.”
Severus stiffened and looked
away. “Potter… Ph! I won’t go to Azkaban only because of some jerk who gave me
a hard time in school.”
“And who happened to marry
your sweetheart yesterday.”
“Oh, bugger off, Lucius,
will you!” He swallowed a whole goblet of wine with one big sip. “I couldn’t
care less.”
“I would care if I
were you.”
“But you’re not. You
married your sweetheart, and incidentally, Lily Potter –” He spat
the name. “– never was my sweetheart anyhow! You don’t think I’d pine
for a chick who throws herself into the arms of the world’s biggest wanker! Did
Cissa instruct you to give me that speech?”
“She didn’t tell me to give
you any speech, pal. She mentioned en passant that you might not be in too good
a mood, and she was talking all the time that she wanted to invite you and see
how you like College and all. Stop being so bloody suspicious.”
Severus left it at that,
only acknowledging that he, indeed, wasn’t in the highest of spirits. He didn’t
need bloody Lily Evans – oh, pardon, Lily Potter – to dampen his
mood. His mum was ill, his father had gambled away half of their house in only
one night, and his fellow students in College made sure he didn’t forget ‘his
place’ for just five minutes. So did his professors, although they were a bit
more subtle than his next door neighbour, who had seized the opportunity when
Severus was in the library in his first week, to fill his room half-full with
mud. ‘Half-mud,’ Carl Robards had cackled.
Lucius woke him up from his
gloomy brooding and asked, “How’s your mum, anyway?”
“Bad…” His face darkened and
he drank more, on the verge of being sick.
“Is there anything I could
do for her?”
“Thanks for asking, Lucius,
seriously, but… No money in the world could help her in the end…”
“I could deal with your old
man. I was serious about that.”
“And so was I.”
“No, I mean… Not like killing
him… Just get him out of the way. Sick – or in jail – or Imperiused.”
Severus strained hard to
look his friend straight in the eyes. “Thank you. Honestly. You’re a real
friend.”
“Sure thing… So what do you
want me to go for? A nice little case of dragon pox?”
“If you want to do something
for me – or her – just show me how to do that and I’ll do it myself,” Severus
said, half serious.
He knew that his friend was
a senior member of the Dark Order – people who were dedicated to the Dark Arts,
and so good about them that the Ministry of Magic waged war on them. Or the
other way round, perhaps. He really needed to sober up… Severus had wanted to
join up, too – it had been his dearest ambition, in fact. But unlike every
other member of the Sepulture Septuplet, and many other guys from school after
their graduation, he had never been invited for the interview. He had asked
Lucius a few times – but Lucius had always shaken his head. Sure. The Death
Eaters wouldn’t have a half-blood either, no matter how good he was!
“I… I can’t,” Lucius
murmured vaguely, shrugging and shooting him a sympathetic look.
“Yeah. I know. They’ll
accept no half-bloods like myself. But perhaps you could just –” He stopped,
irritated because Lucius had broken out in merry giggles.
“Not accept you?!
Boy, forget that! For a start – they so don’t care who your father is as long
as you prove your worth!”
“Correct me, but aren’t they
on a crusade to kill off people like me?”
He could be mistaken, but
Severus thought he saw a strange expression on his friend’s face. It didn’t
last, and more sober than he had been in the past two hours, he gazed firmly at
him. “On a crusade to kill off the unworthy, Sev. That’s quite a difference.
Sod your rotten father, he doesn’t fucking matter as long as you’re as
good as you are! I know for a bloody fact that the Dark Lord
wouldn’t mind…”
“So how come you never… I want
to join, Lucius! I’m ready! You know I am! I’m twice as good as Mulciber and
Avery, I –”
“I know! Don’t think I
didn’t know that, for goodness’ sake!”
“But why don’t you introduce
me, then?”
“Because Cissa expressly
told me so.”
“What?!” His jaw
dropped to his chest. Cissa?! Cissa had prevented him from – all her
talking, all her ‘Oh, you’ll be great once’ and ‘you’re so worthy,
Savvy’ – well, not worthy enough, right?! Cissa knifing him?! After all
that time? Damned females! All of them! Pretending to be all nice and
benevolent, only to ram a dagger into your back when you least expected it!
Lucius smiled lopsidedly.
“She cares for you, mate.”
“Oh, I can see that!” he
exclaimed, scandalised. “By stabbing me in the back?! By keeping me down?! By
–”
“By wanting to make sure you
live, silly! This is war – you kids come from school and think
it’s a bit of playing around, but it isn’t. The Aurors got permission to kill
now –”
“I can deal with that!”
“I can handle that!” Severus
cried, but Lucius merely shrugged and emptied his goblet. Severus changed his
tactics, giving his voice an imploring tone. “Please, Lucius! Give me one
chance to prove myself! Please! I’m good, I’m really good! Everybody
keeps on telling me I’m worthless, but I know I’m not, I –”
“I know, all right? I
know that you – you’ve got what it takes, Severus. I mean it. But –”
“Okay, I see you are afraid
of messing with your wife.” Severus sneered, but quickly composed his features.
Seemingly though, Lucius was too drunk to notice, the tone as well as the
sneer. “So just give me the name of your superior, so I can ask them
instead. Please, Lucius. Come on!”
Lucius giggled. “My
superior? I can’t give you his name, boy! I’m forbidden to speak it!”
Severus was dumbfounded. In
his wine-sodden haze, he tried to figure out just how many names were
unspeakable among the Death Eaters. “Uh –”
Lucius cackled still, a tad
hysterical now. “Don’t you know? Did none of the guys ever let it slip? Good
for them… – I have no superior but the master himself! I’m the sodding
second-in-command of the lot! Hand-picked by the Dark Lord himself! I’m his
frigging crown prince!”
All right, Severus hadn’t
figured that out. He hadn’t thought that his mate’d be so high up
in charge. And he had positively never been more awed by his friend.
“You – are… Wow! I mean – just – not that I had ever doubted your – but
this is really –”
Lucius smirked and freshened
up their drinks. “Yeah. Well.”
Severus looked over,
impressed beyond words. In his eyes, Lucius Malfoy had always been everything. Everything.
Everything that Severus was not and would never ever be. Lucius had been born
to an ancient name and lived up to it, while Severus hardly dared owning up to
his own Muggle name. Lucius was exceedingly handsome, so charismatic, so
popular, so smart and cunning, so talented as a player, so charming if he had
wanted, so dominant and intimidating if he hadn’t; not even damned Sirius Black
had dared to insult Lucius Malfoy to his face. Severus on the other hand looked
like a cross-breeding between an over-large gnome and a crow, skinny, scrawny,
shabby and beak-nosed as he was, no one ever listening to him, no one ever
caring. And the Dark Arts had propelled Lucius even further up; second-in-command
of the Order which was about to overthrow the Ministry itself. Of course.
And he had married his sweetheart, too. Severus had a bitter
taste in his mouth and sipped some more wine. It had taken someone like Lucius
to win someone like Narcissa. Of course.
“Cissa must be so proud of
you.”
Lucius turned his head,
apparently astonished. “Excuse me? Didn’t catch that.”
“Cissa… She must be delighted,”
he repeated, louder.
“Oh…” Lucius frowned and
half shook his head before thinking twice. He twisted his face into an apologetic
smile. “Well, you know her. She’s not fond of clubs, is she… She’s scared, and
I can’t say she’s being unreasonable. I guess she can live with it because she
knows that my position is the only thing keeping her brother-in-law safe in the
long run, but for the rest… It’s… It’s really dangerous, keep that in mind. One
wrong move, and you can lose everything. Your family, your freedom, your
life.”
“I don’t have a family,
all I have is a mother who’s allowing a complete jerk to torment her, and if I
can do anything to make her better, if I… I’m sick of it all, so sick, my old
man, how he’s treating her, how she allows him to treat her, I’m sick of these
dastardly guys in College, students and staff alike, I’m sick of being treated
like vermin, I’m sick of giving in. What are my freedom, my life worth, the way
it’s now?!”
Lucius hesitated to answer.
For a start, he spilled the content of his goblet into the next best succulent,
and conjured a carafe of water. “You must be a hundred percent sure, because
there’s no way back. Once you’ve joined, you’re in, body and soul. The power
though… I can’t explain it to you, you’d have to see for yourself. It’s
incredible what the Dark Lord can do. It’s incredible what he can show you,
teach you to do… It’s absolutely awesome!”
Severus listened with
interest, intrigued by the exalted gleam in Lucius’ otherwise so cold, grey
eyes. This one rhapsodised more and more; the power, the abilities, the
sheer resistless magnificence of the mighty, ancient incantations. Lucius had always
been an admirable wizard, however lazy and listless. But the way he was talking
now, he emanated exactly that kind of power he was enthusing about. Severus
believed it at once that he was looking at the second-in-command of the Dark
Order, despite Lucius’ youth.
“Show me,” Severus muttered.
“Teach me.”
Lucius shot him a sharp
glance. “You are serious?”
“I am. I’ve got nothing to
lose, and this is what I always wanted. Please, Lucius!”
Lucius hesitated for a
second before he got to his feet. “Come on then! Let’s get out of here.”
*****
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