I.29. – Contrition

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.

WINSTON CHURCHILL

She didn’t find a minute of rest that night. She tossed and turned, and cried, mostly – she hadn’t had a notion that she could have so much water for tears inside her. The lump in her throat did not go away, it got only worse, additionally, she was sick, her guts felt like revolting, she got a headache, undoubtedly from weeping so much, but all that wouldn’t have been so terrible, if she hadn’t felt so dreadful. Her mind told her that she didn’t deserve better, fools will be fools, why had she allowed him to ensnare her, she could have known better, she had known better…

But neither sickness nor anger with herself were the chief parts of her anguish. She was just so sad, so unspeakably unhappy. Lucius didn’t love her. He said he did, and perhaps he even thought so, but this was no love. She was no sentimentalist, but she found still that love required a bit more than that! If he really loved her, he wouldn’t have cheated on her, because he would have thought of her, that he couldn’t but hurt her, no matter how cool she ever pretended to be. And love meant that one wouldn’t want to hurt the beloved person, right? She would never have hurt him.

She was almost grateful when the morning came, when she heard all the familiar noises in the house, the elves preparing breakfast, her father whistling under the shower. She had cried enough, for now at least. She’d face Lucius, she’d hear what he wanted to tell her, and she swore to herself that she wouldn’t let him know how badly he had injured her. She would be as cool as ice – this was the day on which she’d finally deserve the title that some of the other students had for her. She’d be the Ice Queen. She could continue to mourn when she was on her own again.

One look into the mirror told her that she could try to be as chilly as she pleased, her looks would give her away, and grinding her teeth, she began to conceal the damage. She bleached her sore nose, her bloodshot eyes, the deep, dark rings around them. When she had finished, she had the grim satisfaction to see that she had hardly ever looked better than in this moment. If he did find her so beautiful, he’d be even sorrier to have gambled away her good opinion of himself, oh yes, he would!

She chose robes with a deep décolleté and a tight cut, making her look tempting at her best, and although she was trembling when putting on her earrings, she thought she would conquer that quiver, too. If anything, she would derive strength from her own pride; he could devastate her, but at least he would never know.

She heard his voice in the hallway, and casting her immaculate reflection one last glance, she lifted her chin and strode downstairs, displaying her best school smile, as she would call it – supreme, reserved, cold. For a moment, he smiled back, but then he seemed to have noticed that something was wrong, and when he said hello with a short kiss on her cheek, he muttered, “Anything wrong, dear?”

“No. What should be wrong? Can we go?”

“You… – Never mind.” He offered her his arm, they said good bye to her beaming mother and disgruntled father, and left, Disapparated to Malfoy Manor, and shortly, she almost forgot her anguish when seeing the splendour of the blooming gardens surrounding the buildings. God, this place was magnificent – what a pity that she wasn’t going to see it again. He didn’t take her inside though, but lead her along a path towards the park.

“Let’s take a walk,” he murmured. “My father doesn’t expect us before noon.”

“Wouldn’t it be more proper to quickly say hello to him first?”

She thought she should, because once they had – talked – she would be too much downcast to keep her façade up and meet old Mr Malfoy, and endure his insolence. She noticed Lucius’ awkwardness, finding that it suited him right – at least he wasn’t complacent about his crimes. Clearly preoccupied with something, he evaded the question and gestured around instead.

“Do you like the gardens?”

“Very much, yes. They are beautiful indeed,” she replied curtly, receiving an odd glance.

“What is bothering you, Narcissa?”

“Bothering me? Why, I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“You’re so – so distant… Are you still feeling unwell?”

“Trust me, I’ve never felt better.”

“You’ve surely never looked better. That dress is – oh dear. Anyway – why are you – you are so different…”

“Am I? However, let’s not talk about me, Lucius. You’ve said you wanted to talk to me about something?”

She was proud how cool she sounded – perfectly indifferent – and he appeared to notice it, too. He swallowed, she could see it from the corner of her eyes, and murmured, “In a minute, Narcissa…”

“Why, is it so bad then?”

“Bad? Oh, no – at least I hope so…”

“So what are you waiting for?”

“We’re not quite there yet –”

“Where are we going then?”

“I’ll show you.” His voice had dropped and he cleared his throat. Better get through with this as quickly as possible; she took a deep breath, turned her head to face him and showed a smile.

“Lucius, I might appear to you like some silly teenage girl, but I am not quite that silly. I know what you want to say, so can we please make this a quick one?”

His jaw had dropped and he gaped at her for a moment. “You know? Did your father – anyway, what do you mean with silly? I don’t think you were silly, for Merlin’s sake!”

“It’s not exactly hard to guess, is it? Honestly, out with it, it doesn’t get better by doing it in a more beautiful place.”

He stopped dead and turned to her with a very quizzical expression. “I think we should clarify something here, Narcissa – I know what I am talking about, but you seem to have something else on your mind, or I couldn’t account for your bristling hostility!”

“Am I that hostile? I am sorry, I didn’t mean to be. Have you practised a speech?”

“I have, yes… I’m just not sure that you want to hear it.”

“Oh, yes, I do want to hear it. I’m truly curious for your excuses. They’re bound to be very interesting indeed.”

“My excuses? For what, please? Have I wronged you in some way that has slipped my notice?”

He really had a nerve, hadn’t he? His face was so innocent, he looked as if here were genuinely bewildered, almost frightened, there was a flicker in his eyes that looked like sincere disappointment, but he couldn’t deceive her anymore. She pretended to sigh, like her mother would when she was exasperated with Bella, and said, “I don’t blame you, you know? I can easily imagine how hard it must be for you. The temptation was just too great, right? You couldn’t have constrained yourself, and if it had been for your life? I hope it was worth it, indeed.”

He faltered for a moment, staring at her in blank lack of comprehension. “What the heck are you talking about? What was worth what? What temptation – I mean –”

“Come on, Lucius, don’t be such a coward! You can just tell me, I won’t bite your head off. Do I really have to say it myself? You met someone – she was very pretty – impossible to resist – you have a guilty conscience, but you couldn’t have helped it either, after all you’re just a man –”

He burst out laughing, almost cringing with laughter in fact, and she had to battle down the urge to slap him. She had expected a lot of things, but not that he would dare to ridicule her still! “Narcissa,” he croaked, trying to calm himself, “Could it be that you are – are you labouring under the impression I had – oh, my goodness!”

“Pull yourself together,” she said as coldly as she could, feeling the uprising tears in her throat.

He bit his lip, closed his eyes for a moment, and looked straight at her then. “My dear, dear Narcissa – if I do not mistake your words, you think that I had – what – betrayed you? Is that what you think?”

“Isn’t that right then?” Oh, darn it, why did she have to sound so hopeful?! She wanted to sound crisp, disdainful, anything, but certainly not hopeful, although she was. Very much so. She’d give her right hand if he only told her that she was wrong and she could believe him.

“No, it is not right! What are you thinking? How could I? Oh my god – do you truly believe I would do that? Why should I? I’m in love with the smartest, most beautiful, most amiable witch on this planet – I’ve been in love with you since I first saw you – now that I’ve finally managed to convince you of all that, why should I even look at someone else?”

She was a little speechless, opening and shutting her mouth in the most undignified manner. He pulled her close and chucked her under the chin, coming very close and whispering, “Is that why you have treated me so coldly all day?”

She nodded in silence, and he went on, very earnestly, “I have never betrayed you, and I never will, Cissa. I haven’t even gazed at any other woman than you – I’ve not done as much as thought of anyone but you. You are constantly on my mind! Do you believe me?”

She nodded again, so confused, nay, ashamed now, she could hardly breathe. Yes, she did believe him, and if only because she so desperately wanted him to be telling the truth.

“Have you got no faith in me at all?”

He sounded offended now, and summoning her last wits, she answered miserably, “You were so strange – yesterday – you evaded my questions – you –”

He didn’t reply at once, merely gazing down at her, then he swung his arms around her and pressed her close. “Oh Narcissa, I didn’t mean to – I’m so sorry… Yes, I did act weird, didn’t I… But not because of that, anything like that. You see – I’m pretty damned nervous myself, I guess you’ve just picked up on that –”

He loosened the embrace, pecked a swift kiss on her nose and gave her a very warm smile. “Come on, it’s only a few more steps – just around that corner –”

She clang to his arm, not feeling her own legs, her head was empty but for one thought – he hadn’t done it – he had been faithful to her – she couldn’t even contemplate where he was taking her, or why he should be nervous. It didn’t matter, as long as he was still hers –

She faintly noticed that the spot they now entered was the most enchanting by far she had ever seen, it bore a fantastic view over the old castle part of Malfoy Manor, the edge of the lake and the orchards; there was a small bench with dark green velvet cushions, underneath some very pretty hazelnut shrubs, all the trees around were blossoming, lilies of the valley everywhere. He led her to the bench and made her sit down, and in the next moment, he was on his knees himself, squeezing her hands and looking up into her face with the strangest expression.

He was very pale now, swallowed hard, kissed her hands a few times before looking up again and speaking in a croaking voice, “My Narcissa – I have practised this speech, but I’m afraid I’ve forgotten all the words… I – I love you. I cannot live without you. You are the best – the utmost magnificent thing that has ever happened to me and if you let me, I will never let you go… I know, you will think this premature, perhaps even think I was crazy, but I’ve got to ask you nonetheless. – I want to spend the rest of my life by your side, so would you – would you –”

She stared at him, hardly daring to breathe, thoroughly captivated by his eyes. He moistened his lips, took a deep breath himself and went on, “Would you want to marry me?”

The blow was harder as if someone had hit her with a curse, she nearly sank down – it was lucky that she was already sitting; she was beyond words. He waited for a moment, looking at her expectantly, and when she said nothing, he continued with closed eyes. “I know this must appear bizarre to you – and I could well understand if you found me impertinent – that you couldn’t give me your hand, seeing you are only seventeen – but I had to ask you still –”

She had rallied herself far enough to whisper, “I want to be with you, too, Lucius, always –”

His eyes flew open again. “Do you?”

“Yes! Yes!”

He stared at her as if he didn’t trust his ears. “You mean – you would contemplate to marry me?”

“Yes! And I need not contemplate it! I do want to marry you!”

He covered her hands with kisses, nestled with some pocket, and produced a small velvet box. His hands were shaking, she noticed, and in the next moment, he presented an absolutely incredible ring to her – an artful masterpiece of platinum, sapphires and a huge diamond shaped like a daffodil – putting it onto her left ring finger. “Accept this as a token of my love for you. I swear I will do everything in my power to make you happy; if you do have faith in me, I will never let you down, my angel, my love – I love you more than my own life, Narcissa…”

“I love you, too,” she moaned, no longer able to maintain anything like composure. She began to cry, glided from the bench and threw her arms around him, out of herself, pressing her face against his shoulder; he seized her close, she clang to him almost desperately. Her head was in a complete mess, and the last remnants of rational conjecture vanished as well when his lips found hers.

Oh Lord, Merlin, Jesus, Mary and all saints – had he truly just asked her to become his wife? He had, hadn’t he? And she had said yes, right? And she had treated him so badly! Had doubted him, had imputed on him that he had turned away from her! How could she accuse him of unfaithfulness, when it was really she lacking all faith in her only love – her fiancé! And why? Because he hadn’t been as loquacious as usual at dinner?! She was so happy, and incredulous, and very mad with herself for such a lack of trust for no real reason. Perhaps it was her old diffidence, the nagging fear that he’d find himself a girl that he could have more, and easier fun with… However, her behaviour had been unpardonable, and she made a silent oath to never – never – doubt him again, and if there was something disturbing her, she’d give him the chance to explain before she’d go mad at him… She was still completely out of herself when they returned to the Manor; she felt like hovering above the ground, so much indeed, she almost forgot to be apprehensive of her meeting old Abraxas Malfoy. Almost.

“Can’t we make some detour?” she asked, fidgeting. “Or – postpone it all, perhaps? I’m just so happy, and I – I’m not entirely sure I’ll be able to forgive your father for jilting this of all days…”

He giggled. “I’ll make any detour you ask me for, my love. But you need not be afraid of him. In fact, he adores you almost as much as I do.”

“Does he?!” She was soundly astonished; her only encounter with the man had given her quite the opposite impression.

“Yeah! He thinks, rather astutely, that you’re much too good for me –”

“Nonsense!”

“He admires your wit and intelligence, and seriously, Narcissa – show me the man that isn’t thoroughly beguiled by you.” He gave her a deep, loving look. “So is my father. As brief as your encounter may have been then, as favourable was the impression you’ve made on him.”

She wrinkled her nose in incredulity. As far as her memory of that night was concerned, the evening had been nothing if not disastrous, and that she should have made a good impression in passing on her future father-in-law seemed very unlikely.

“I told him I’d take my chances and ask you, you know?” Lucius went on and smirked, recalling the conversation. “Not because I’d give anything for his approval, but after the positive outcome of talking to your father, I got a bit soft in the head. Perhaps I just meant to prove myself what an old fool my own father is. However, he sort of surprised me. He was all for the idea – this must be the first time ever that he actually approves of something I want to do. Being him, he predicted that you’d say no of course.”

“Well, isn’t he a charming fellow?” she sniggered and regained a little of her normal humour.

For the first time since she had accepted him, a little shadow flew over his face. “You are aware that, once we’re married, you’ll have to live under the same roof like he…?”

“It’s a pretty spacious roof though, Lucius. I daresay we’ll manage very comfortably. No, no, the only problem you and I have left is not your father, dear,” she said playfully and cuddled closer up to him yet. “I want to marry you, there’s nothing I would rather do – but how you want to convince my Papa of this remains a miracle to me.”

He sniggered. “Nah… Your father will give us his consent – grudgingly, perhaps, but consent he will.”

“Trust me, I know him a little better. I’m his little pet, you know; he’s once sworn to kill any man who’d come near me – it’s astonishing that he hasn’t murdered you yet…”

“Yes, I was a little worried about that, too. In fairness though, I found him far less belligerent than I had initially expected.”

“You’ll have my mother on your side… She’s very fond of you, I think. Maybe she can convince him to only strangle you a bit.”

He gave her a roguish look. “You know, I think you’re right. I have your mother on my side. She is one of my greatest fans, I reckon… But it appears she has used her good influence on your father already, because he eventually agreed without throwing a single curse at me –”

“He agreed?! What – why –”

“I got your sister Bellatrix to thank for the tip. She said that your father was of a peculiar kind, and that I’d better take a little detour if I wanted to secure our future properly…”

“You’ve asked him before you’ve asked me?” She laughed and boxed him playfully.

“Well, not exactly.” He caught her hand and kissed it. “I just wanted to get it right, you see, and I knew he wouldn’t let me come anywhere near you. So I called on him, and seized the first chance I got when he stopped shouting at me to catch his breath, to tell him how much I love you –”

“Knowing my dear Papa, I suppose it took you a while to get to that part?”

He laughed. “Not nearly as long as I had reckoned. Obviously, he wouldn’t believe a single word I said at first, and that is where your good mother comes in. Bella said expressly that I should make sure your mother was there. However, he finally did listen, and I told him that you are the only one I’ve ever loved, that I’m perfectly serious and have nothing but the most sincere intentions, and that I want to marry you at once if only you’ll have me – and from that moment on, he was so put out, he couldn’t muster the strength anymore to try quarrelling with me.”

She giggled. “Poor Papa! You told him you’d steal his pet!”

“‘Pluck his little flower,’ he called it, yes. I had even brought some strengthening potions – just in case – because you said he’s got a weak heart, but luckily, neither of us needed them.”

She hurled her arms around his neck. “That was very thoughtful of you!”

“I hope I’ll never be any other thing than thoughtful where you are concerned, my angel,” he said very earnestly. “I know I have many faults, but I promise you I’ll be the best husband you can wish for. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you.”

Narcissa remembered her father’s seriousness that previous afternoon, how he had tried to impress on her that she should awaken to her true feelings for Lucius, and his grave glances this morning before they had left… She gave him credit for both his concerns and his capability to give her free. If possible, she had never loved her father more than in this minute.

“There’s only one drawback, regarding your father… I had to give him my word that you’ll finish school first. Are you angry with me for promising him so much, without your consent?”

“Of course not! Hang on – that’s more than a year still – oh – I hadn’t thought of that –”

“And speaking of waiting, there’s another thing… Something I’ve promised myself, as well as to your father – but you mustn’t laugh at me now…” He kissed her, his cheeks pink.

“I won’t laugh! Of course I won’t!”

No, she didn’t laugh. Once he had told her, she gaped at him for a full minute, thinking she must have misunderstood him completely. Because Lucius, it would appear, had made some solemn oath to himself, even before talking to her parents. He was determined never to touch her before they were properly married. Well, touch her in any other way than to kiss her, or swirl his arm around her waist, or shoulder. She couldn’t believe it.

“I could never degrade you to stand in a line with all the – oh well. You know what you thought yourself, only two hours ago; you believed you couldn’t trust me because I’ve done a lot of things that make me appear untrustworthy. I will prove to you that I could deserve you.”

“By not – not – you cannot be serious, can you?”

“I am very serious.”

“But – I must have got you wrong, Lucius, I’m sorry. You asked me to be your wife – I said yes – meaning we are engaged – and still you don’t want to get involved with me?!”

He smirked. “Believe me, Narcissa, there is nothing that I want more. I’m beside myself, merely by looking at you, and when we kiss… I do want you. You are beautiful, you are sexy – but then – you’re also an angel. You are hallow –”

“I am no such thing!”

“Yes, you are. To me, you are. I’ve done too many things that I was once proud of and that I now long to make undone. But my feelings for you are different, and therefore I will act differently. Who only does what he always did will only get what he always got. I have far too much respect for you to do anything else. Could there be a better way to show you my earnestness?”

She wasn’t convinced that his taking on the whole subject was either sensible, or practicable, or completely sane even. But she had no intention to argue with her so newly betrothed fiancé. – Goodness, fiancé! – She couldn’t believe it still. She was engaged! He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her! Her bliss couldn’t have been more complete. He wanted to be with her as much as she wanted to be with him – forever. And especially after this day’s unhappy start, she was unspeakably rapturous to know that nothing could ever part them again.

 *****

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