I.23. – An Epiphany Of Sorts

Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.

FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE

Christmas is the season of year with the highest rate of suicides, and also the highest rate of – occasionally violent – family brawls. Little wonder. Those people who have no family or friends feel their loneliness the more keenly. Those who have a family and are expected to have the time of their life, understand that genetic closeness is often enough the only connection they have to their relatives.

Lucius didn’t have any close relatives but his father, at least none that he felt obliged to talk to. But being compelled to spend three entire days with old Abraxas was torture in his eyes. He merely forced Lucius to stay to annoy his son anyhow, because in all truth, he had no taste to be with the boy either. Two foul tempers trapped in a room – no whiskey, no amount of caviar could compensate for that sort of hardship.

Narcissa dutifully liked her closest relations, but thought little of the rest – and the Black family was deplorably wide-spread. Unfortunately, around Christmas, she had to meet with the whole lot of them, her Uncle Orion’s family, Aunt Walburgas’s spinster sisters and her father’s ever so impudent younger brother Uncle Alphard, who was usually drunk and delighted to pay his younger nieces and cousins disgustingly salacious ‘compliments’, and then, there were also Amandine’s brothers and their dependents, Bella’s husband and Rodolphus’ unmarried brother and their senile great-aunt and great-uncle, Aramintha and Gulliver, adding up to no less than twenty-three people. She owed her parents her best behaviour, meaning: smiling like an idiot at all times, making small-talk, pretending interest when all she felt was indifference, at best.

Christmas Eve was celebrated either in Cygnus’ or in Orion’s house, alternating year by year, and it always followed the same rite. After a ‘free and easy’ glass of champagne, either Narcissa or Regulus (depending on whose house they were in) had to play the piano, then there was an eight-course-dinner, always with the same seating plan, and more music in the respective Grand Parlour next. The ‘children’ had to take turns on the harp and piano, much to Narcissa’s grief, because she was spared conversation as long as she was performing. As far as she was concerned, she would have played the whole night through, but she wasn’t allowed to, even though Regulus and Sirius were measly pianists. She suspected at least the latter to be so bad on purpose. That’d be just like him.

This year, there was a slight change in the tradition, simply because Andromeda wasn’t there. The traditional seating plan had to be adjusted, and clearly, everyone had been told not to mention her. No one would have stirred the awkward topic, but Sirius, who amused himself by dropping Andy’s name whenever he could, was tickled pink at every blush he incited. Bellatrix, as she was the eldest daughter, was sitting next to him, the eldest son, and informed him in an undertone that she knew a couple of appropriate curses to cure him of his blabbing – she could sew his mouth shut, make him swallow his own tongue, or if she felt particularly nice, she’d simply jinx him mute.

He giggled merrily. “Are you threatening me, cousin?”

“You bet I am, cousin. You think you can mess with me?”

Sirius was no coward; in fact, he was too courageous for his own good, but there was a subtle menace in Bellatrix’ voice, a steely glint in her gaze that made him shut up for some time. He was just fourteen, she was almost ten years his senior – it was true, he didn’t want to mess with her. If only half of the things he had heard about his second least favourite cousin (the unrivalled number one was that pampered, arrogant bitch Cissily) were true, she… But not even Bellatrix could be that evil, so he chose not to believe the stories that were going about.

While Regulus was butchering a serenade, Narcissa sauntered over to her sister and asked what she had said to silence their cousin so successfully. Bellatrix told her with a confidential smirk, making Narcissa snigger spitefully.

“Serves him right,” she murmured. “One day you’ve got to show me how to do one of those. He annoys me to no end in school.”

“Oh, I can show you a whole lot! But you shouldn’t use any of them in Hogwarts. The old crackpot doesn’t appreciate that sort of magic.”

Narcissa laughed even harder. “And since when do you of all persons care?”

“Believe it or not, but I have learnt the value of discretion, Cissy. It’s no good to have a loose tongue.”

“You needn’t tell me, Bella!”

“Yeah, I know my little Cissy’s the queen of secrecy. Oh! Come to think of it, I do hope you make an exception for me and let down your guard for once to tell me about that thing you’ve had with Lucius Malfoy!”

Narcissa couldn’t help it, her cheeks turned pink and she faltered to answer for a minute. “Thing? There’s no thing,” she muttered at last, avoiding Bella’s gaze. “He asked me to go to his graduation ball together, but you already knew that, didn’t you?”

“Oh, certainly. Maman told me how dashing you two looked, and Papa told me that you’ve been taken in by a notorious lady-killer.” Bella grinned pointedly.

“And that’s all there is to say, except for the fact that I haven’t been taken in, in heaven’s name. The only crime I have committed was going to a ball with someone, for approximately fifteen minutes, incidentally!”

“What a shame!”

“Come on, not you as well! I didn't do anything else than go to a ball with him, I don't see what's so horrible about that!”

“Keep your wig on, dearie, that's not what I meant.”

“And I can’t tell you how embarrassed I was when Maman dragged me away, after Papa and Andy had made such a big scene for everyone to see.”

“I can imagine, but that wasn’t what I meant either.”

“So what did you mean?”

“He’s a handsome fellow, and pretty cool to boot –”

“And a complete jerk,” Narcissa snapped, blushing some more. “Pardon my language –”

“Come on, you needn’t apologise to me for that! It’d do you good to loosen up a bit, and Lucius Malfoy would have been just the right guy to teach you that!”

“You clearly have no idea what you’re talking about, Bella! He is – oh, where to start! Papa was very polite when he claimed that Malfoy was a ‘notorious lady-killer’!”

“Don’t worry, he used a very different vernacular when throwing him out of the house!”

Before she could think of the better, Narcissa already exclaimed, “When did he do that?”

“You don’t know?” Bella looked amazed. “The poor guy, that morning after Andy’s disgrace – well – the morning after Maman’s collapse – he’d come to visit you, having no idea what had happened in the previous night, and first you kicked him out, and then he got in the way of Papa! You truly didn’t know?”

“No! I did not know!” Narcissa replied far more forcefully than she intended.

“Now that’s a real shame, isn’t it? He seems to like you very much, you know? As a matter of fact, he seems to be genuinely heartbroken!”

“Is he?” Narcissa swallowed, cursing herself for having such a quavering voice, and continuing in strained calmness, “But it doesn’t matter anyway. His ‘genuine’ affection didn’t go very far.”

“Papa threatened to geld him, Cissy, if he ever comes near you again! You will excuse his cowardliness, since he received no encouragement whatsoever from you either!”

“But – what about Andy’s elopement, he’d never –”

“He doesn’t care three straws for that. Jeez, what century are you guys living in, honestly!”

Narcissa was baffled by what she heard. Could it be that Lucius hadn’t simply forgotten her just like that, out of indifference? Could it have happened differently? Had she been too proud, too hard on him, too little – committed? Was it all her fault? Thinking about it – it had been a nice thing, that he had come to see her that morning, he hadn’t come to mock her for Andy’s downfall, he had merely wanted to see how she was –

“My little Cissy,” Bellatrix interrupted her silent musing, “I guess you’re not always as icy as you want to appear, eh? That suits you well!”

Narcissa bit her lip. “Did you… Well, did you talk to him lately…?”

Bella sniggered. “Yes, indeed, I did. I see him quite often these days.”

“Did you go back to College after all?”

Narcissa smiled hopefully; Bella had dropped out of College some weeks ago without taking her final exams, and being herself, her youngest sister couldn’t but wish that she’d complete her education. In this special case though, she also hoped that Bella had come across that one person that would haunt Narcissa day and night, that she dreamt of, whose name she heard mentioned so often without hearing anything significant, whose very scent had beclouded her all autumn when they had practised Amortentia in Potions…

“Go back to College, ph! Of course not. I know better to do with my time!” Bella snarled, then her voice dropped until it was but a whisper. “I mustn’t talk about this, Cissy, least of all here.”

She gravely beckoned at their relatives sipping their drinks and Narcissa thought she suddenly saw the light. “You don’t mean... You haven’t –”

“I know you can keep a secret to yourself, but I really mustn’t –”

Equally quietly, Narcissa replied, “Oh Bella… It’s dangerous!”

“You think I didn’t know that? But it’s also the best thing I ever did, it’s – it’s just what I always wanted to do.”

“And – he – you met him there?”

Bellatrix gave a little chuckle. “I cannot answer that. Only so much – he asks about you every time I see him.”

She felt her cheeks flushing and looked away. “Well, I’m sure he just wants to be polite, doesn’t he…”

“Polite? Lucius Malfoy? We’re talking about the same guy?!”

Now it was Narcissa shushing her sister. “Not so loud! Papa mustn’t –”

“That boy hasn’t got a polite bone in his body, Cissy, and his interest in you is surely not rooted in mere courtesy!”

“Stop it, Bella!”

“I will, I just have one more thing to say. There’ll be a big party next week, for New Year’s Eve – I know you hate parties, but perhaps you’ll be in the mood to attend this one. I can take you there, you know?”

“And why should I want that?” Narcissa asked despite herself.

Bella arched her brows suggestively. “Because good Lucius Malfoy will be there, too.”

*****

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