II.2. – Missing Chances

There's nothing I could say to make you try to feel okay, and nothing you could do to stop me feeling the way I do. And if the chance should happen that I never see you again - just remember that I'll always love you. I'd be a better person on the other side, I'm sure. You'd find a way to help yourself and find another door, to shrug off minor incidents and make us both feel proud. I'd just wish I could be there to see you through. You always were the one to make us stand out in a crowd, though every once upon a while your head was in a cloud. There's nothing you could never do to ever let me down, and remember that I’ll always love you

                                                                                                               

BADLY DRAWN BOY

“I don’t think I should go,” Lily insisted once more, but quite feebly so.

“And I definitely think you should go by all means,” Severus repeated for the umpteenth time, grinning at her. The grin was supposed to cover up his anxiety, because he so desperately wanted her to attend the party with him that it had taken him almost three weeks to muster the guts to ask. That uneasiness had several causes; for once – the party in question was organised by the members of the Sepulture Septuplet, whose present members weren’t known for embracing Muggle-borns like Lily with a friendly smile and an open mind. It had taken him quite a bit of persuasion with Mulciber to make him agree to invite Lily – well, her good looks had done the job in the end, but Severus was still slightly queasy, dreading that some guy or other would seize the opportunity to make stupid remarks.

What weighed much heavier though – good God, this was Lily, and Severus’ insides were squirming even if he was just talking to her, let alone… To ask her out – because that was what it was basically all about, wasn’t it? – asking her out made him feel as if his brains were turning into some jellyish substance. What if she started to laugh about him? What if she said no? Or worse – what if she said yes…? It was unthinkable!

But she did say yes eventually, and as happy as Severus was, he was also scared out of his wits. “The little Mudblood said yes, then?” Travers asked that night, leering.

“Leave her alone, Travis!”

“Pity she’s not a pureblood… Or a half-blood, at least.”

Travers’ own grandmother had been a Muggle-born witch, but the family had enough money to make up for that fault. Severus was well aware of his fellow students’ occasional hypocrisy – Travers’ grandmother, Mulciber’s older brother who had eloped with a half-blood, Narcissa’s sister Andromeda… There was not a single male Slytherin that hadn’t yet stared after Muggle-born Lily Evans, or Ravenclaw half-blood Enid Crick. It was all about talking big, the rest was – well, the rest.

“Of course, come the Revolution…” Travers said now, dreamily beaming. “You better hurry up getting into her knickers, Savvy, before the Death Eaters are through with her and her lot.”

Severus shot him a contemptuous glare. “She is my friend, Travis, hard as that concept might be for you to grasp! Lily’s knickers are the last thing I think about!”

“Idiot. She’s got a thing for you, you know?”

“No, she has not, and since you’re speaking of the ‘Revolution’ –” He emphasised the word with hooked fingers. “– what good would it be to kill off someone as talented and clever as she is?!”

“Well – maybe they’ll make an exception for her.”

“They better do!”

Travers was taking this subject fairly serious and made a pensive face. “Well – if someone – with influence – what about Malfoy – I think his wife was rather fond of the little Mudblood, too –”

“Oh, be quiet for once in your life, Travis!”

“I’m just saying – if someone influential vouchsafed for the little – hottie – her butt might be safe despite everything. And what a butt it is! It’d be a shame to –”

“Don’t talk about her like that! In fact, stop talking about her, full stop!”

Travers didn’t even notice the other boy’s thinly veiled outrage. He cupped his hands, giggled, and smacked the imaginary bottom before him. “Can we come back to the subject of her knickers?”

Severus shut him up with a spell, frothing on the inside, but succeeding in not letting it show too badly. He had become truly good at that. Not letting it show. Not letting show how Potter’s and Black’s insults offended him. Not letting show how Mulciber’s and the others’ thoughtless remarks about his father, about Lily, about the fact that he was supposed to be less worth than them, the purebloods, hurt him. Not letting show how much Lily affected him. It was all just a big show, and he thought he was an amazingly good actor. Funny. He had used to be a boy wearing his heart on his lapels when coming to Hogwarts. By now, he could hardly remember when he had last not put up an act.

Or what about his profession, over and over again, how Lily was nothing but a friend for him? Obviously, she was only a friend, but it wasn’t as if he didn’t want her to be more than that. She was – well, incomparable, really! She was so smart, so pretty, so funny, but most of all, she was the genuinely kindest person he had ever met. Nothing about her was false; she was always honest, always truthful. When someone needed help, she was always the first to volunteer, even if she was tired and had lots to do herself. She had a great sense of humour… Nothing ever scared her… And when she smiled at him, with those incredible, shiny, wonderful eyes – it made him forget the whole world. To make it short – Lily Evans was perfect, so perfect indeed that he wouldn’t dare to approach her in any other way than that of friendship. She was just too good for someone like him. She was too good for anyone.

The closer the party was at hand, the more nervous he became. What if the other guys mocked her? What if they mocked him, making their filthy insinuations in front of her? What if he behaved like a total idiot, spilling his drink over her dress like he had on Narcissa’s and Lucius’ wedding? What if he grew a pimple before the great day? What if –

It had become a bit of a tradition of the Sepulture Septuplet to throw a big party before each holiday. As a kind of ‘goodbye, see you all after Christmas’, or Easter, or summer. They would go to the Shrieking Shack for those parties, using a secret passage out of the school that Narcissa had once shown him, and which would only open during new moon nights. All members of the Septuplet were allowed to invite whoever they liked, but so far, Severus had never dared to suggest that he might bring Lily. And he hadn’t thought that she would like to go either; her dislike of his mates was legendary. ‘Vile’, ‘wicked’, ‘nasty’ and ‘obnoxious’ were among the nicer terms she had in store for Mulciber, Travers, Avery, Aubrey, and the two Lestrange siblings. He thought she was exaggerating; yeah, admittedly, some of Mulciber’s pranks and jokes were out of line, but they weren’t nearly as bad as those of Potter and his cronies. Mulciber didn’t send people into certain death!

“It’s going to be brilliant,” Severus told his friend when guiding her through the secret passage, trying to reassure himself as much as her. “Don’t worry.”

“I’m not worried. Why should I be?”

He blushed for the sixteenth time, approximately; how lucky that she wouldn’t see it in the dim light of their wands. It was so dark that she actually clung to his arm for guidance, not actually heightening his power of concentration. He tripped over a root, almost falling and pulling her down with him. She burst out in merry laughter, and Severus thought that this was just like him. Making an arse of himself like usually, and Lily laughing about him.

What a pity that he didn’t understand why she was giggling, because in fact, Lily was almost as awkward as he was about this whole night, about everything, really. No, she hadn’t got the least desire to spend an evening in the company of these complete dunderheads. She, too, foresaw a whole lot of jibes and mean remarks. Like Severus, she was nervous like hell – but like him, she was also rather good in concealing it. When he had struggled with that root, her heart had missed a beat, and it wasn’t for the fear to fall down. She had bumped against him and a shiver had run down her spine, and her only release had been to laugh.

The Shrieking Shack had a reputation for being the most haunted house in Great Britain; Lily didn’t believe in those stories, but seeing the place now, she wondered if there might be a grain of truth in them after all. Sure, the guys had decorated the two narrow rooms to appear even more eerie. They had artfully spread cobwebs, nothing but black candles lighted the place, with normal flames just like red, green and blue ones. There were mirrors that wouldn’t show the person looking into it, or uncannily distorted the reflection. A choir of tamed banshees was singing, charming a green, oscillating cobra with sparkling gems on the elegant head, and were supported by three Augureys. The drinks were served in Erumpent horns. Whispering veils had been hung up, but they didn’t completely cover the strange marks that looked like the traces of fangs tearing on the wooden furniture, or the scratches of mighty crawls on the wooden planks and walls.

Lily noticed her friend’s gloomy glances at those marks and thought of the story she had heard lately. Well, it didn’t even qualify as a story, and the source was more than questionable, too. Her classmate Black had been hinting that his best buddy Potter had rescued Sev from the Shrieking Shack some weeks ago in an act of ‘sheer Gryffindor valour, Evans!’ She had tried to ask her friend if that was true, but he strictly refused to make any comment on it, making her think that despite everything, Black might for once have said the truth. Or scratched on in rather. Because if they were talking about complete dunderheads, not only the members of Sev’s House were sticking out – Black and Potter were a league of their own, concerning unpleasant nastiness. Like Mulciber now, or Malfoy in the old days, they were rich, and handsome, and popular because they were so good at Quidditch, and that gave them the idea that they could do whatever they pleased, hex anyone in their way, or insult them – the only difference between Potter and Mulciber was the kind of spells they used.

“What is it?” she asked tentatively and touched his shoulder.

He gave a little start and she quickly withdrew her hand. She thought that he didn’t want his pals to see how a Mudblood touched him; the idea made her angry and her guts revolting, but she bit down her disappointment in him. Instead, she arched a brow and beckoned at the horns they were holding.

“I thought Erumpents are close to extinction?”

“Uh…” He looked puzzled. “I reckon you’re right…”

“And the last few are killed for rich kids using the horns as goblets…?”

He sniggered mirthlessly. “What would I know about rich kids, Lily, honestly?”

“They’re your friends, aren’t they?”

He shrugged. “But we’ve never discussed their parents’ hollow-ware.”

“Oi, folks! There at last!” They were joined by Avery and Rosalind, who gave Lily a measuring glance and patted Severus on the back. The girls knew each other from Slughorn’s little club evenings, and to say that they didn’t like each other would have been an understatement. Lily thought that Rosalind Lestrange, just like her younger brother, was conceited, rude and fairly dim-witted, possibly due to ten centuries of inbreeding. Rosalind in exchange found Lily Evans annoyingly pretty, an awful smart aleck, and it went without saying, a Mudblood that had no right to attend this school, even. Almost immediately, the two girls started to squabble about the Erumpent horn goblets, and only stopped when some late guests arrived, who were welcomed more than eagerly.

Lily knew two of them; Lucius Malfoy and Damocles Belby, once members of the Potions Club, had come in the company of a few wizards that were introduced as ‘Rabastan Lestrange’ – apparently a cousin of Rosalind and Reynold, ‘Crabs’ and ‘Golly’, who she thought she faintly remembered from school, and an impressing, incredibly good-looking witch called Bellatrix Lestrange, the sister-in-law of that other fellow. Lily thought she recognised her, but she didn’t know why.

“That’s Narcissa’s oldest sister,” Sev explained to her under his breath.

Lily couldn’t help it but smirk. “That would explain the good looks.”

“It surely does.” Again, she couldn’t help herself – she elbowed him rather insensitively. “Ouch! What was that for?!”

“She’s married, Sev!”

“Yeah, I know. We were at the wedding, remember?”

“Means you gotta stop making goo-goo eyes at her!”

He burst out laughing. “Stop being ridiculous, Lily!”

“Oh, now I’m being ridiculous, yeah?! With your pureblood buddies around –”

“You know perfectly well what utter nons-”

“Severus!” Lucius Malfoy had strolled over and smiled at his old charge. He lifted his hand in something like a wave for Lily, too. “Little Lily Evans, eh? Why, you’ve – grown!”

He exchanged a glance with Severus, on Malfoy’s part amused, on Sev’s clearly embarrassed, and Lily’s temper hit another peak. She couldn’t but goggle at Malfoy and that weird avuncular attitude; the last person who had told her that she had grown had been her mum’s colleague Mr Barnes, and she was old enough to understand that it wasn’t how much she had grown in height that had caught his attention.

 “Hey Lucius,” she muttered wanly and lifted her hand as well. “Where’s Narcissa?”

“Ah, you know how she dislikes parties. And she’s got to finish some paper for College, too.”

This time, Lily smiled for real. Admittedly, Narcissa Black – Malfoy it was now – was sort of all right. She remembered her well from their Potions Club. But she also remembered very vividly how much Sev admired her; oh, just how cool Narcissa was, how poised, how smart and erudite, and how marvellously nice to have the grace condescending from her high horse and accept him! Clearly, Narcissa wasn’t half as keen on seeing him again tonight as vice versa!

Sev and Lucius made a bit of small-talk, and Lucius exclaimed, “I’m glad to see that the old spirit hasn’t died out. Two weeks to your OWLs and you kids are having a party!”

“One night less of studying should hardly make a difference, right?” Lily asked pertly. “For if it did, one wouldn’t be properly prepared at all.”

“Bold as ever, Evans!”

“You say ‘bold’, my Head of House calls it ‘cheeky’.”

“Dear old Minerva. Oh, how I miss her reprimands and lectures on the proper attitude,” he said languidly and sniggered.

“What’s McGonagall know about the proper attitude, I wonder? I pity her lack of pride.” His sister-in-law joined them and was introduced to Lily. As soon as hearing her last name, Madam Lestrange sneered disparagingly, her gaze altering between Sev and Lily. “Well, well – birds of a feather flock together… Anyway, Lucius – did you talk to Chester’s son already?”

“Young Avery? I don’t think I did, no. And I better do before I got to go home again.”

“You really shouldn’t allow Cissy to give you a curfew, Lucius,” Madam Lestrange snarled and raised her eyes to the ceiling. Malfoy didn’t seem offended though, but laughed brightly.

“Curfew? Good heavens, Bella, you really do not have a clue. How could I prefer someone else’s company to my wife’s?”

She shot Severus and Lily another disgusted glance. “Well, certainly not the present company.”

Lily thought to herself that this sister let cold, haughty Narcissa Black appear like a warm-hearted, mild-mannered person, but before she could give a similarly snide retort to such insolence, Sev had taken her arm and led her away and out of the shack. She was frothing with anger.

“Embarrassed that you brought me?” she asked, outraged.

“Oh, come on, Lily, you –”

“What kind of people are you hanging out with, Sev?!”

“For a start – I’m not hanging out with her; tonight was the second time in my life I’ve ever seen that woman! And secondly – you must be aware that she despises me as much as you.” Her eyebrows disappeared beneath her fringe, and he added hurriedly, “Now that came out wrong –”

“I really don’t get it! What do you see in these people?! Why do you spend any time at all with people you think yourself were despising you?!”

Even in the faint light of the new moon outside the Shack, she noticed how unhappy he looked when replying, “They’re not all like that. Like Madam Lestrange. And I got to get along with the people in my own House. You have no idea how – in my first year – before Narcissa –”

“Narcissa!” Lily snorted, put out.

“And Lucius… I don’t want to go back to that, Lily. And what do you have against Narcissa, all of a sudden, anyway?”

Lily felt how her cheeks flushed and turned away and towards a little grove. “I don’t have anything against her,” she growled evasively.

“You surely sound as if you do!”

“Oh, is that right!”

“She’s been nothing but nice to you!”

This was true; Narcissa Black had never been unfriendly to her, all right, but that really wasn’t the point now! “Oh yes, dearest darling Narcissa – so nice!”

“See? There it is again – that tone!”

“Mind my tone, Sev? Well, I’m sure it’s not nearly as nice as Narcissa’s – how could it, coming from my unworthy Mudblood lips?!”

He stared at her. “Are you drunk…?”

“I wish I was,” she muttered, trying to rally herself. “I suppose that party has got the better of me…”

“Look – I’m sorry…”

“You do have to admit that she’s really lofty, and…”

“You know her better than that, Lily. You do.” His voice sounded almost like begging. “If it wasn’t for her and Lucius, I’d have no friends at all –”

“And what about me?!”

“– in Slytherin,” he finished the sentence and caught up with her. “Don’t be mad with me, Lily. I’m sorry that this is turning out to be such a fiasco. I truly thought – I thought it’d be nice…”

“It is nice.” She pulled herself together and gave him a smile. “Just tell me we don’t have to go back.”

“Course not!”

“Great. Because I might end up cursing that arrogant cow, otherwise.”

“You could give her a nice pair of antlers!” He grinned and winked at her. Only some weeks ago, she had come down on Potter like a ton of bricks and given him exactly that, following his buddies calling him ‘Prongs’ for some unfathomable reason. Speaking of idiots – the school seemed to be cramped full of them.

“And give her additional weapons? I think not!” Lily laughed, too, willing him to come a little closer still, and inwardly rejoicing when he did settle next to her on a felled tree. Uncharacteristically timid, she murmured, “It was a nice idea to invite me, Sev, but the next time, I’ll choose a party for us.”

“If I attend a Gryffindor party, I’d be the one ending up with antlers, if that’s enough.”

“Ph! Gryffindor party. You don’t suppose I’d go to one of Black’s and Potter’s parties, either!”

He said he were glad to hear her say so, and they talked about people at home – Muggles, old friends of Lily who believed she was attending some posh boarding school – who were bound to throw some parties in the summer holidays, too. They talked about Petunia, who had announced that she would be looking for a summer job, in order to spend as little time as possible with ‘that freak’ of a sister. They talked about Sev’s unbearable father, but she sensed that he felt uncomfortable with the topic, so she changed it deliberately, gesturing at the valley beneath the shack that they were looking upon.

“Picturesque, don’t you think?”

She wanted to smack herself for saying something so stupid, but he answered without scorn, “Yes, it’s very pretty.”

“You like my perfume?” Oh God! If she didn’t stop blabbing this complete trash –

“Er…” He bent slightly towards her and made a sniffing sound. “Oh! Oh, yes! Now that you mention it – uhm…”

“It’s the one you gave me, then…”

“You still have that? You don’t use it very often, do you?”

He sounded disappointed, and she didn’t come up with an answer. She could impossibly tell him that she only used it for special occasions because she liked it so much. That tonight had been supposed to be such a special occasion. And she couldn’t tell him that she was so dull in conversation because her heart was beating so madly, either. She looked over to him, trying to make up for being so taciturn by smiling as nicely as she could, finding him look somewhat strange.

She held his gaze, hoping, praying that he would come a little closer still, that he’d put his arm around her shoulder and seize her close, and finally kiss her. After all this time, just kiss her! But after a few minutes, she had to realise that kissing was clearly the last endeavour he was inclined to launch into. Of course not. Maybe they were friends for half of their both lives, but that was as good as it’d get. He’d never touch her, the little Mudblood, what would his buddies say! That idea made her incredibly sad, but also furious, and she got to her feet with one energetic move.

“I think it’s time for me to go,” she hissed without looking at him once more. “It’s already too late!”

“No! No, it isn’t!”

“Oh yes, it is!”

*****

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