I.28. – Dissuasion

Be still my beating heart, it would be better to be cool

It’s not time to be open just yet

A lesson once learned is so hard to forget

Be still my beating heart, or I’ll be taken for a fool

It’s not healthy to run at this pace

The blood runs so red to my face

I’ve been to every single book I know

To soothe the thoughts that plague me so

I sink like a stone that’s been thrown in the ocean

My logic has drowned in a sea of emotion

Restore my broken dreams shattered like a falling glass

I’m not ready to be broken just yet

A lesson once learned is so hard to forget

Never to be wrong, never to make promises that break

It’s like singing in the wind or writing on the surface of a lake

And I wriggle like a fish caught on dry land

And I struggle to avoid any help at hand

Stop before you start

Be still my beating heart

STING

There had been only one more Hogsmeade weekend before the Easter holidays, and despite the daily letters, Narcissa missed – him – madly. She felt awkward to say ‘my boyfriend’, although that’s what he was, wasn’t he, he was her boyfriend. She found that term so ordinary, it did neither of them justice. Lucius had had so many girlfriends, she didn’t think of herself to be just another one of those. She didn’t consider herself to be one of those silly chicks having a ‘boyfriend’ either. She loved him! Surely, that was worth so much more than her peers could understand, if even her own sister didn’t get the true meaning of their relationship. Because right after getting together with him, she had been up all night writing two lengthy letters to her sisters, reporting what had happened at last, and how well she could now understand her sister, that love indeed weighed more than anything else. Bellatrix’ reply had been fast and to the point, containing nothing but a simple ‘Gotcha!’ Andromeda hadn’t been long to be coming back with an answer either, but this answer hadn’t been anything like what Narcissa had reckoned with. Instead, it had been full of accusations, gibes, derisive remarks about Lucius and scornful comments that she had believed Narcissa to be smarter than that, and that the end of this was going to be as sticky and sore as it was predictable… –

Narcissa had been bitterly disappointed with such a venomous reaction, and written back exactly one more, and last, time – to tell her sister that this one had been one of the few people whose opinion had actually mattered to her, but no more, no more! She had always stuck up for Andromeda and her new family, and was absolutely mortified that Andy didn’t return the same sense of loyalty, even if she wasn’t too fond of Lucius. It would have been her sisterly duty to be glad that Narcissa was so exquisitely happy, in that one’s point of view, and she didn’t have it in her to forgive Andromeda for her unfeelingness.

She wondered how they would spend the holidays. For a start, she’d have to break the news as gently as possible to her father. This caused her considerable stomach-aches. How would he react? He had always been very protective of her, but since the thing with Andromeda, he had become almost paranoid. What was more – the sheer name of ‘Lucius Malfoy’ was a red rag to him. Would he be able to comprehend that she truly loved Lucius, of all people? That they belonged? That her happiness depended on him? And if he didn’t…? Those holidays, short as they were, were their only chance to spend some time together until the summer, that seemed endless far away. She had to make her father understand! And she had to be pretty quick about it, too, before Sirius or Regulus had told her aunt and uncle, and those two talked to her parents then…

Lucius himself remained very vague on the subject, assuring her that everything would be all right, but not explaining any further. Perhaps he thought that Cygnus Black was anything like Abraxas Malfoy – indifferent and derisive, even though she had told him many times over that her father was quite the opposite, taking great interest in his daughter’s well-being, and suspicious of anyone who might disturb their peace. ‘It’ll sort itself out,’ was his only reply, making her sigh and resolve that she must deal with her Papa on her own.

On the journey to London, she was so nervous that she could hardly concentrate on anything else. She didn’t give the book in her lap more than an occasional glance, chiefly busy to imagine how she could do it. The sooner, the better, so much was obvious. The best thing would be to talk to her father right away, tonight if possible, because he was bound to need some time to accustom, and she wanted to seize the holidays as good and long as she could. What could she say? She’d have to win her mother over to her side for a start…

“Will you come and visit us, or will you spend the entire holidays hanging out with your Lucius?“ Regulus, her First Year cousin who was sitting in the same compartment, asked a tad sourly.

“Of course I will come to visit, Reggie. Your parents have invited us all for Easter Sunday, have you forgotten?”

“No, I meant apart from that,” he muttered, not looking at her. “You can bring him if you want to, you know…”

“I don’t know yet, I haven’t made any real plans –”

He suddenly beamed. “So let’s make some plans now! You’ve always said you’d like to go to Bristol, we could go there for a day trip with Dad – or some days in Devon – or –”

She felt sorry for him, not quite sure how to tell him that she hadn’t made plans yet because she rather wanted to be with Lucius as much as possible. Going to Devon with her uncle and cousin was merely an option when Lucius had no time at all for her. Which could be the case. He’d have to take his first exams soon, and his father wouldn’t take it kindly if he didn’t pass them. He had written to her, many wonderful letters, full of compliments and devotion, he had come to see her in Hogsmeade once more, but she was still sceptical sometimes. Wasn’t it just a matter of time until he’d have grown tired of writing pretty letters to a schoolgirl, when he could be having so much more fun with any other witch?

“I’ll tell you later, Reggie. I couldn’t say right now what I’m going to do.”

“Yeah… So we’re just going to be the stopgap, if your dearest Lucius is busy!”

“Oh, come on, Reggie. What’s this going to be, eh? I’m really not in the mood to continue this debate if you’re like that. And drop that snappish tone when you’re talking about him, please.”

They were alone in the compartment – Horatio, Evan and the others were getting wasted on self-made schnapps next door, Severus didn’t go home if he could avoid it, and Narcissa wouldn’t have sat together voluntarily with anyone else. She tried to enjoy Regulus’ company, who had left his own friends to be with her instead, but she didn’t. She liked being on her own, and he wasn’t the sort of interesting company that she’d gladly exchange her solitude for. And when he was in a pouty mood like this, he was simply unbearable.

They were silent for the next half hour; Narcissa looked out of the window, pleased with the mild weather; the further south they got, the nicer it became. In London, there would be springtime, her parents’ garden would be in full bloom… In this moment, the compartment door was pushed open, and she needn’t look over to know that only one person could be standing there. Of course it was him, sniggering in an unpleasant way.

“Look who’s there! My little brother and the school’s favourite Ice Queen. Having fun, you two?”

“Piss off, Sirius,” Regulus snarled, making Narcissa roll her eyes at the both of them and touch her wand in her pocket, just in case. Sirius was too proud to attack her, but she wouldn’t sit and watch if he took it out on his little brother instead.

“Mind your language, Reggie. You know that our little princess here won’t have vulgar words in her presence, and you wouldn’t want to vex Her Grace, would you?”

“Oh, just bugger off, Sirius!”

“Ah, yes, I see, I see. You want to seize the chance, don’t you, Reggie, and finally tell Her Highness what a massive crush you have on her, hm?”

Regulus’ cheeks adapted a deeply scarlet glow and he opened his mouth for a reply, but was silenced by Narcissa’s little smile at him of the ‘Never mind’ sort. She turned around at last and gave the intruder her best sneer. “Sirius,” she sighed. “How come you favour us with your unwanted company?”

“I was worried for you, Cissy! Here I was, minding my own business, strolling along the corridor and happening to notice you two in here. Poor kids, I thought, no one wants to be in the same compartment with them. And here you are, all lonely and apparently discontent even with each other. Ts, ts. Dear cousin Sirius’s come to cheer you all up a bit!”

“You’d truly cheer me up if you vanished right now, cousin. Or maybe you might want to jump off the train? Or get your big head stuck in a window?”

“That would appeal to you, wouldn’t it?”

“Nothing would cheer me up more.”

Naturally, he did not leave at once; instead he made himself comfortable, leaning against the door frame and showing his most complacent grin. “Why are you always so mean-spirited, Cissy? I had thought you could be a little friendlier these days, since you’ve found yourself a boyfriend and all that. Tell me, how does Uncle Cygnus put up with it? Last thing I heard was how much he hated the guy.”

His grin became a little more unpleasant yet – if that was possible – and Narcissa shuffled in her seat uneasily. That sly little worm, he knew which buttons he must push, she thought and was more repulsed by her cousin than ever. She hadn’t made a secret of her initial correspondence with and subsequent relationship to Lucius Malfoy for nothing – she was sorely aware how her father would react if any such news came to his attention. But in a place like Hogwarts, gossip travelled fast, and for a start, there had been ample of students in the Three Broomsticks that day, who had counted two and two together – the steady supply of letters and flowers that Narcissa had received since the end of the Christmas holidays, and the tête-à-tête between her and notorious philanderer Lucius Malfoy, who, they all remembered just too well, had always been pursuing the girl in the first place. Some of them also had elder siblings or friends, who had been present at Rabastan Lestrange’s New Year’s Eve party, and had heard the story. And finally, a whole lot of people had seen Lucius walking Narcissa back to school that Valentine’s Day, one arm wrapped tightly around her shoulders, the other hand clasping hers, and both of them looking as enraptured as they were oblivious to their surroundings. Such a lack of caution was uncharacteristic in Narcissa’s case, but it could not be helped. All that was left for her to do was breaking the news to her father before Sirius had informed her aunt – she knew he hated his mother and therefore, she might have a short respite before her cousin could bring himself to do his mother a favour and supply her with cannon fodder to furthermore criticise her sister-in-law.

Sirius gave her a measuring glance, clearly enjoying the threat he could dangle above her head, and Narcissa, knowing how to push a few buttons herself, replied with malicious relish, “Why, how happy for you, cousin. For once finally – well, you must have given up all hope, really – you’re free to do something to delight your poor mother. I can well understand the joy this must bring you. And her, of course.”

The grin transformed into the sort of look one might expect from someone biting into a lemon. “You know, Cissy – I might actually do exactly that, if only to spite you. Displeasing you by pleasing my mother or pleasing you by cheating her out of her pleasure – it’s a hard one to call, don’t you think?”

“And you’re calling me ‘mean-spirited’, cousin?”

“I’m sure he means no such thing,” Regulus tried to interject, with one of his doggish looks, but all he received for his kindly-meant attempt was a double amount of dagger glances.

“Keep out of this, bro,” Sirius snarled. “She’s a grand girl, she can fight her own battles.”

“I most certainly can.”

Regulus made a little gesture as if to say, ‘I tried’, and ducked away from the fight he was sure would ensue.

“Still – the question remains, Cissily,” Sirius went on afresh. “You don’t look all that jolly. Why’s that, one wonders. Scared of my uncle? But that’s impossible, isn’t it, you’ve always been his darling pet. Or – speaking of scared… Has it finally occurred to you what sort of guy you’ve gotten involved with?”

Oh, he was good, wasn’t he! He really knew which blow’d hurt most! The little pig had truly guessed her one fear – that Lucius Malfoy’s affections for her were as fickle as all his other dealings with the opposite sex. Perhaps her composure wasn’t as impenetrable as she had always prided herself on – at any rate, her cousin continued, for once exchanging the glee for something softer, “If he’s the one giving you grief, Cissily… If you want me to handle him –”

She dismissed the untypically friendly tone and snorted with laughter instead. “Handle him? Oh my, Sirius, your exaggerated opinion of yourself is always good for a laugh.”

“Only because he’s meddling around with the Dark Arts doesn’t mean he’s invincible, Cissy,” Sirius replied, trying to sound smooth and disinterested again.

“Nobody is invincible, cousin. Neither are you. And just because you and your little bunch of chums think you can hex anyone in school, you truly shouldn’t continue like that outside of Hogwarts. Trust me, I only have your best at heart.”

“Oh yes, of course!” He laughed heartily, too. “So I reckon my best would be a heavy case of Dragon Pox, in your opinion? Or some squashed limbs?”

“Look, Sirius, you shouldn’t think so ill of others, only because you are so nasty yourself. For all I care, you can be as healthy and striving as you please, as long as I don’t have to see you. Be happy, be merry – be elsewhere!”

His annoying mates had shown up, dragging him away before he could spray some more if his venom. She received an apologetic glance from one of them – she never got the names right – the one with the unhealthy complexion and the melancholic eyes, and then they were gone. She groaned and turned back to little Reggie.

“Now I know why you’re so desperate to go to Bristol. Must be hell to be stuck in one house with him for two weeks.”

“Mum will take care, you know.”

“You might want to learn to stand up to him yourself, Reggie. You cannot always rely on your mummy to sort things out for you.” She leaned back and closed her eyes. She was indeed glad that her aunt wasn’t her mother. Aunt Walburga was simply insufferable, bossy, mean-spirited and vile. Little Regulus was her darling, though that didn’t mean that she did him any good – commorari leoni et draconi placebit quam habitare cum muliere nequam, brevis omnis malitia super malitiam mulieris.*

“We’re almost there,” Reggie cried out after some minutes. “Let me carry your trunk, Narcissa!”

“Don’t be ridiculous! Besides, there’s a handy Diminishing Charm. You can jinx your own trunk to fit into your pocket as well. Want to learn it?”

She couldn’t say how it happened, but Regulus merely set his trunk on fire. She rolled her eyes while extinguishing the flames, thinking that he was indeed a bit thick sometimes. Sirius would have learnt the same spell in the blink of an eye. He could probably do it already, on a second thought. He might be a repulsive little maggot, but he was talented, she had to hand it to him.

The train throttled speed, and slowly, they arrived in King’s Cross. She hadn’t been mistaken, the weather was excellent. In less than half an hour, she’d be having tea with her parents in the garden, and perhaps she’d find an opportunity to talk to her mother in private –

She dismounted the train, looking around, she saw her parents and – her heart missed a beat. Next to her mother, she spotted Lucius’ lean figure, beaming at her. What… She lowered her gaze, took a deep breath, straightened up and recomposed her face to look as serene and unperturbed as possible, praying that her inner turmoil didn’t figure too clearly.

“Papa, Maman,” she exclaimed a tad too exuberantly, brushing a kiss on each of their cheeks. “Erm – please, let me to introduce you to my friend, Lucius Malfoy –”

Only then she allowed herself to gaze at him, incapable to suppress the look of overwhelming happiness suffusing her seeing him again. He gave her half a wink, and her father gnarled, “Yes, yes.” He shot the young man an odd glance. “We know each other already!”

“Yes, I suppose you do –” she said helplessly, remembering the occasion all too well, or rather Bella’s and Lucius’ accounts of that morning.

Cygnus pursed his lips. “Now he’s taken the trouble of coming, you might just as well greet him properly, daughter.”

She cast him a sideways look, unsure how serious he was, but all in all, this wasn’t the time to worry about her father. She had missed Lucius for too long to restrain herself as she might have in front of her parents under different circumstances, and flew right into his arms. He lifted her off her feet and whirled her around, whispering, “Welcome back, angel! I missed you like crazy!”

“You are crazy,” she whispered back. “What have you been thinking, coming here!”

“I have been thinking of nothing but you!”

He put her back to her feet at last, smiling sheepishly and she couldn’t help it but join him, ready to throw herself back in his arms and kiss him, but noticing her father’s dour expression, she knew it wouldn’t do. Straining to regain her countenance, she stammered, “I believe you have not been duly introduced to each other though –”

“I think it might be a little late for formal introductions,” Cygnus said, once more gazing at Lucius with an indecipherable expression. His daughter thought she could discern disapproval, which would have been only natural, but there was more in there, more than rejection even. If she hadn’t known better, she’d have thought he appeared almost frightened.

“Excuse my liberty,” Lucius explained quietly, “but I felt I just had to come and fetch you!”

“That’s – that was very sweet of you. Not quite what I had expected, but still – uhm…”

Her mother was smiling broadly and showered her with French phrases. Her father seemed to forget about his rancour, too, and pressed her tightly. “My dear, dear child,” he muttered, “how I’ve missed you! How are you? I couldn’t make anything of your letters, they were all so short –”

Narcissa pretended to have been busy with the preparations for her exams in summer, but truth was that she had spent so much time with writing to Lucius that she hadn’t bothered to write much to her parents as well. He was holding her hand, the four of them made their way out of the station, but once outside, Mr Black insisted to have his daughter Apparate alongside himself and she had to let go.

“Don’t look like that, dear. You’ll see the young gent again soon enough. Your mother has invited him for dinner.”

Cygnus couldn’t dispel the sour tone from his voice and shot his wife a strange gaze, grabbed his daughter’s arm and Disapparated with her before she could even say goodbye to her suitor. Once they arrived at home, they did not have tea. Instead, he pressed his hands in his sides and grumbled, “I do expect an explanation from you, Narcissa!”

“Yes, sir –“

She didn’t come any further, for he instantly interrupted her. “Didn’t you swear you didn’t care three straws for this boy? Didn’t you say yourself that he was unreliable and fickle? So how come that he shows up here, claiming he couldn’t do without you? Asking me –”

“Cygnus,” Amandine said sternly, her brows knitted tightly.

He blushed and cleared his throat. “That he’d accompany us to the station, practically forcing your mother to invite him and all that?!”

“I was mistaken, Papa – sir. Nihil peccat, nisi quod nihil peccat.* He – we –”

“I’ve always believed you were so smart, Narcissa! Hasn’t the downfall of your sister taught you anything at all?!”

“Leave ‘er, chéri, it’s –”

“Sh! How long is this going about, daughter?”

“Since Valentine’s Day, Papa. Or rather say – we’ve been in love much longer, but we got together on Valentine’s Day.”

“In love! Ha! I strongly doubt that this guy knows the meaning of that word!”

“He does know it, Papa, and so do I – forgive me for not telling you sooner – for telling you in such a fashion, too – but I wanted to speak to you face to face. Believe me, I had no idea he would come today, I meant to prepare you better –”

“This isn’t about me being prepared, Narcissa! Are you prepared, that’s the crucial point!”

“Cygnus!” Her mother had got up, shot him a stern glance and smiled at Narcissa then. “Everyzing is fine. It’s fine. Lucius Malfoy eez a fine young man, very ‘andsome, from an excellent family, very wealsy ‘imself – zere’s one boy who clearly isn’t attracted by money to be sure. And ‘e seems to like our child very much, and she likes ‘im, zat is important.”

“Important! Ph! What about you, Narcissa – do you really like him?”

“I love him, Papa, I really do.”

Judging his face, she could just as well have slapped him; he gave a little moan and coughed, “Oh well! We’ll see about that! All I want from you is that you are cautious, Narcissa. Think of me, will you! I wouldn’t survive if – if you were harmed. You do know about your mother’s frail health, too!”

“Of course, Papa, I will be nothing but cautious. I was cautious already –” And she told her parents the story about the Veritaserum, making her mother giggle and her father nod.

“Well – that’s my girl, I’d say… You ought to have asked for his future intentions, too, while you were at it.”

“Cygnus!”

“His intentions are good, Papa, I know it!”

He made no reply except for another moan and rang for the tea instead. She had been right, they did sit down outside in the Greek Pavilion, she could smell oleander and lavender, answered all her parents’ questions about school, but her heart wasn’t in it. All she could think of was that the worst was over, her father would – well, if not respect him, he’d at least tolerate her choice, and before soon, she’d see Lucius again, and everything would be brilliant.

He came perfectly on time – which was good, Cygnus hated tardiness – and they immediately sat down for dinner. Lucius hadn’t told her that he would come to fetch her; in fact he had claimed to be very busy, this had been the main reason why she had been so insecure whether he would find time for her at all. But whenever she referred to this during their dinner conversation, he merely smiled and muttered some hollow commonplaces like ‘We’ll see’ or ‘I’m not sure what to do in the next week myself yet’.

The less talkative he was, the more he dampened her good mood. He was concealing something from her, it was so obvious, and feeling a burning sting in her breast, she thought she knew already what he’d have to tell her, sooner or later, because she wouldn’t rest until she had made him say it. Procul ex oculi, procul ex mente!* Yeah, he had been busy, with some other girl, which, of course, didn’t mean anything to him, because he only cared for her, yes, he would tell her that she needed to understand that he was only a man after all, blah blah blah.

At least her mother was in excellent spirits, more or less, chatting away, and making it less obtrusive that Narcissa said less and less, desperately fighting against the lump in her throat. She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction to see her cry for him, oh no. She wasn’t even cross with him, she was cross with herself, scolding herself for having been so utterly naïve, to have ignored the voice of reason that had told her that it would be like this, all along. She had known his character – why had she deceived herself still then? Hadn’t she told Andy in genuine, even spiteful, confidence that she simply wouldn’t allow herself to be heartbroken? Yes, how full of herself she had been to believe that! Maybe it was due to her juvenile age, her total want of experience. She had believed to be the mistress of her own heart, that it would only depend on her will, that he couldn’t hurt her, no matter what, simply because she was so much in control of her own emotions. Right here, at the worst possible time, she had to realise that she had been thoroughly mistaken.

“Ma petite, eez zere anything wrong with you? You look pale –”

“I’m sorry, Maman. I think I am simply tired.”

“Ah, oui, naturellement. You must go to bed quickly, you’ve ‘ad a long day, and ‘ave another long day a’ead of you.”

“Hmm.” She avoided looking at Lucius, picking at her broccoli, admonishing herself to keep up her countenance and smile, for Merlin’s sake, but the only thing she succeeded with was not bursting into tears, at least.

She heard his voice, low and gentle, “Narcissa?”

She only managed some groaning noise, still not looking over and staring at her plate, quickly eating a fork full of potato so she needn’t say anything. She could feel his gaze lingering on her, heard him say, “My dearest, you really got me worried! Is there anything we can do for you?”

She shook her head, stubbornly looking at her food. If only he left, then she could find some relief, maybe, by crying her eyes out. That might help to vanquish the burning lump, perhaps she would be able to breathe again properly once she had got rid of it, perhaps she would get a grip again afterwards. Her head was spinning, she could hardly grasp how insanely happy she had felt two hours ago, just when reassuring her father how deep their mutual affection was… Dessert was served, followed by some cups of espresso, but she didn’t touch hers, steeling herself for one last brave show.

She got up, smirking as placidly as she could, trying to have her voice not betray her devastation. “You must excuse me – Papa, Maman – Lucius… I have got to go to bed. I’m really unwell.” Seeing her father’s dismay, she quickly added, “Nothing that a good night’s sleep couldn’t sort out, I am sure, Papa. Don’t worry, I – I just need some sleep. Good night…”

Lucius had got up, too, from the corner of her eye, she saw that he looked troubled as well, but she didn’t honour him with an extra address, that would have been asking too much, really. He followed her out into the hallway; she walked as quickly as possible without running, he called out her name, and squeezing her eyes shut for a split second, she resolved to keep her civility and turn around to him.

Indeed, his face showed deep concern, he reached out for her hand, pressed it, kissed it – she gave her best not to flinch – and murmured, “My dear, I am sorry, I don’t want to keep you any longer from your well-deserved rest. But I – I need to speak to you, and had hoped that you’d be free, tomorrow? I thought I could fetch you – I talked to your parents and they said you had no prior engagements, as far as they know –”

“Yes, Lucius, let us talk. That’s what I’ve thought, too. But please excuse me now, I really got to go –”

---

* Commorari… It is better to live among dragons and lions, than with a vile woman; short is all malice compared to female spite.

* Nihil... He has no mistake apart from having no mistakes.

* Procul... Out of sight, out of mind.

*****

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