Delere licebit quod
non edideris; nescit vox missa reverti.
HORAZ – De Arte Poetica*
Lily was obviously angry
with him, but Sev had no idea why, or how he could reconcile with her. The next
time they got a chance to talk was when they met Monday afternoon to study for
their Transfiguration OWL; she was bristling and weird, and made a whole lot of
ill-advised jokes about her status as a Muggle-born. He wondered if Travis or
Dev had said something to her at the party, that Severus hadn’t overheard.
“Well… Urm… Wanna practise
the Fire Transfiguration once more?” he asked awkwardly after she had just
cracked another self-deprecating remark.
“But why?! My head already
looks like it’s on fire, perhaps I can get away with it like that!”
“Yeah,” he muttered fondly
and gazed at her dark red hair, but she was clearly determined to mistake
whatever he would say and hissed at him. “If you don’t want this,” he hurried
to add, “we could try Transitional Animagism. I definitely need some more
practise with that.”
She calmed down. “Yes, me
too. And I still fail to see the whole point of the business. Why dare a risky
transformation that won’t last for more than five minutes, if you can use a
potion that’ll last for hours?”
He smirked lopsidedly. “You
think they’d accept that as an answer?”
She laughed her bright,
lovely laugh, throwing back her head and revealing her graceful throat, her
hair framing her like tingling flames. Seeing Lily laugh was the most
enthralling sight he could imagine. Their transitory peace didn’t last for long
though; not ten minutes later, they could hear voices, swelling louder and
louder, a heated argument it would seem. At first, they both sniggered,
thinking that another unfortunate student had come across Madam Pince after
making an accidental dog-ear in one of her treasures.
That idea was obviously
wrong though, as they soon realised. The voices came closer. In the moment that
Lily recognised the voice of her roommate Mary Macdonald, Sev identified the
other contender as his own dorm mate Devlin Mulciber. ‘Oh Merlin!’
Severus rolled his eyes. Dev had the hots for Macdonald, despite the fact that
she, too, was a Muggle-born. He wasn’t in love with her, certainly not – he
simply had a bet running with Rosalind that he could lay Macdonald. Well,
judging from the girl’s vicious retorts there, Dev was going to be parted from
his vintage Oakshaft broomstick. No way in hell he’d be lucky with Macdonald.
“Oh, come on,
sweeting. I don’t know what you’re playing at.”
“There are libraries full of
what you don’t know, Mulciber! Now get off me, or you’ll –”
“I’ll…? You’re not seriously
sticking with that buffoon Abbott, are you! You deserve better than that!”
“Oh, do I, yes? And I’m
supposed to think you are that better option, am I?” Macdonald taunted
scornfully. “Want a Mudblood like myself for your little collection, yes? God,
you’re pathetic!”
“Shh, sweeting. I know you
don’t mean this. You chicks all pine for the bad boys – Leo Abbott is a soft
little loser, you must know that. I on the other hand –”
“You on the other
hand are a nasty git who thinks he is creation’s crowning glory! I won’t say
this again, Mulciber – back off, or you’ll regret it!”
Lily and Severus had got up
and peeked through the bookshelves, seeing their two room mates three shelves
further down the aisle, and witnessing Macdonald snatch her wand now. They
could only see the back of Mulciber’s head and not his face, but the next
thing, he pushed the girl back against the wall and twisted the wrist of her
wand-hand. Lily gave a startled shriek and raced off to reach the scene.
Severus stayed where he was, incredulous at what he saw there, and quite
instinctively produced his own wand. Macdonald spit into Mulciber’s face, the
boy shouted at her, irate, and pushed her back so fiercely that it seemed to
knock the air out of her. She gasped for breath, and Severus trained his wand
on the boy.
“Panikos Pantex!” he
muttered, and the curse hit Dev in the back at the same moment that Lily
reached them. Mulciber collapsed, cringing and howling, but Lily didn’t spare
him a single glance, heading for her friend instead. Severus would have liked
to observe the effect of the curse – he had never used it before – had never
seen it used before either – and was positively delighted that it seemed to
work so well now, on his first attempt. Rosalind and Reynold had mentioned it;
they had learnt it from their elder cousins – it was supposed to induce
heedless fear on the victim, and judging by Dev’s despairing whimpers over
there, it worked excellently. Severus had no qualms about cursing his mate; Dev
had had it coming, the idiot. ‘I’ll have the little Mudblood – they all love
the dangerous ones, you know!’ If someone should ask Sev, he’d simply say he
had meant to aim at Macdonald instead, and missed her.
Lily was done with checking
on her friend and turned around to the whining, writhing aggressor on the
floor. She frowned, then looked up and practically met Sev’s eyes, still
peering through the obstacles. He thought she’d be pleased, but she surely
didn’t look like it. Her expression was rather shocked and she took out her
wand, flicking it and barking, “Finite Incantatem! – Now leg it,
Mulciber, or there’s more where this was coming from!”
She led her friend out of
the library, and returned half an hour later, cornering Severus with a
disgusted demeanour. She demanded to know what kind of spell this had been –
where he had got it from – and how the hell he had dared to use such a spell on
anyone, even if it was ‘just Mulciber!’ He tried to explain, how he had
wanted to help her friend – she objected that he might just as well have missed
‘the arse’ and hit Mary instead, and that she was repelled by that brand
of magic, repelled, too, by him for making use of it. Severus goggled at
her, wondering what on earth she might be about – if she had any idea what
could have happened if he had not intervened – but he couldn’t say much,
so stumped he was, and also, Lily didn’t give him a chance to speak up.
“Is that what you do, in
your Common Room?! As a pastime in the evenings? Practise Dark magic and train
up to become Death Eaters?” she shrieked, her hands pressed in her sides and
her lips thin.
“Oh, will you get off it!
Who cares what kind of spell it was, if it helped your –”
“Who cares?! Who cares?!
I DO!”
“Yeah, but then you’re the
only one, aren’t you! Just for the record – maybe it was a Dark spell,
and I’m not saying that it is – but it worked well enough for the purpose!”
“It’s evil!”
“Evil?!” He giggled,
incredulous. “Have you got the slightest clue just how ridiculous you’re
being?! Evil?! There’s no such thing as an evil spell, daisy! Just
malicious intent!”
She threw her hands in the
air. “Oh, THERE WE ARE AGAIN! Narcissa Black’s Pearls Of Wisdom, part
forty-seven!”
“You want to claim the
opposite, then?!” He smirked, thinking for a second that the matter was
settled, but for Lily, it clearly wasn’t.
“I won’t parrot Narcissa
Black, I won’t!”
“Because you know that she’s
right, or do you have any more specific objections?”
Lily looked as if she was
about to curse him, and with no benevolent intent either. “I hadn’t believed
how low you could sink!”
“Are you out of your head?!
For ages you’ve been going on just how awful you find Mulciber, and then he
attacks your dorm-mate, but you would rather have me stand by and watch?!”
“Just because it was
Mulciber doesn’t make it any better to use a Dark spell on him!”
“Please, Lily, don’t make
such a drama out of this!”
“I?! I?! I’m not making a
drama out of anything! You are acting like a jerk!”
“And you are acting like McGonagall!”
“Better like McGonagall than
like You Know Who’s Chosen Youth!”
“Oh, be quiet!” He cracked
up, but in no very merry fashion.
“You won’t shut me up,
Severus Snape, you wont!”
He was at least as angry as
she was, confused and angry. Oh, these little Gryffindor hypocrites! Did she
seriously mean to tell him that she’d rather have her own friend be assaulted
by a complete idiot, than seeing that one taken down by an – admittedly – Dark
spell?! She couldn’t be serious! His confusion got increasingly worse,
and that he let himself be distracted by Lily’s emerald green eyes, that
sparkled so beautifully the more furious she got, didn’t improve matters. She
exploded eventually, and her last line before turning on her heels was ‘I’ve
never been more disappointed with you! I wouldn’t have thought it possible!’
He opened his mouth to say
something, call after her, but he couldn’t utter a sound. When Lily got angry,
she was fiercer than a dragon on warpath, but she had never been remotely as
angry with him, and the realisation that she was mad at him now – because of that
– made him unreasonably furious. ‘Have it your way, then!’ he thought, huffing.
‘Go on and keep on fawning over sacred Black and Potter, heroes of Gryffindor
House and not a tad better than Mulciber! Oh, but that’s
different, right, it’s always different when they are involved! They
can plot to have someone killed – but that’s all just a big joke, a bit of
storing books away will remedy their crimes! But if I try to help
your own friend, you get all scandalised, do you?!’
They stopped talking, and
for the next few days, Severus felt very self-righteous about their argument.
He was right and she was not, damn it! And sooner or later, she’d realise this,
too, and then she’d apologise, and he’d forget all about it, but for a start,
he really wanted to hear her apology! But she didn’t apologise – she didn’t even look at him, and
in the course of the following week, Severus felt exceedingly miserable about
this. They had had arguments before, but they had always reconciled pretty
quickly again – and rather astonished, Severus realised that he was dependent
on Lily’s friendliness. He had his pals in the Sepulture Septuplet, all right,
but that wasn’t the same. Not remotely the same.
At least, his anguish was
tempered by his busy preparations for the forth-coming OWLs. Yes, he missed
studying with her, like they had used to do for so long. But he simply focused
on the books before him, concentrated on his work, and got by during the days.
The nights, alone in his bed, were worse, and every night he swore to himself
to make up the following morning, but there was just too much to do, and he
didn’t even come across her because she kept on studying in Gryffindor Tower,
to avoid meeting him, he assumed.
The OWLs came; on Monday
they sat Charms, on Tuesday they sat Herbology, on Wednesday the Care of
Magical Creatures exams took place, and theoretical Defence Against The Dark
Arts was due on Thursday. He got through all of this without difficulties – the
years of practising with Lily and Narcissa finally paid off. It was almost too
easy. After the Defence test, he went out to the grounds, sat down next to some
rhododendrons despite his hay fever and went over question 34 again, shaking
his head at himself. ‘Five signs that identify the werewolf’ – gosh, this was
so basic, every child could know this, and every child did – even the Muggles
knew about werewolves! And he had been prying after one for almost five years
and had failed to recognise him! He had nearly got himself killed for being so
blind!
He could easily imagine the
average answer to this, the tufted tail, the pupils, yes, yes. But he was quite
confident that his answer would get him at least five extra points –
every idiot, or Muggle, could recognise a transformed werewolf, but he
had described some symptoms that the wizard would show before the
transformation. It was a bit too late to understand once one was facing a fully
transformed werewolf, right?! So Severus had named the distinct skin condition
– sallow, slightly waxen, large-pored, the state of the fingernails –
yellowish, slivered, the distinct metabolism in a circle of 28 days…
But who’d have reckoned that
a werewolf was strolling around the school grounds, he defended himself in
vexation. He hadn’t recognised the signs because it should have been impossible!
No Headmaster in his right mind would have allowed a werewolf in the student
body! Well – he could have known that Dumbledore wasn’t right in his
head, so much was obvious!
He had given the old
crackpot his word and he was determined to stick with it. Black – little wonder
– had blabbed, had bragged of his pal’s heroics in front of Lily;
Severus felt even more contempt for the bloody twits. No, he would stick
to his word. But that didn’t say that he couldn’t look for Lily and discuss his
OWL answers with her, right? Perfectly legitimate – and knowing how astute Lily
was – she would understand the truth – and she would see the true culprits –
He had got to his feet again
and absent-mindedly packed his things away. He would go back to the castle and
see if he could find Lily and involve her in a casual conversation for a start.
No matter why she was so angry with him, she couldn’t still be sulking, could
she, and if she still was, he’d simply apologise for whatever she thought he
had done… Always worked for his parents. His mum had forgiven his dad worse
things than that.
“All right, Snivellus?”
The voice was familiar
enough, and automatically, Severus’ hand flew into his pocket, but his fingertips
had hardly touched his wand when Potter shouted the disarming spell. His wand
landed on the lawn behind him and he tried to grab it, but again, he was far
from getting it when he was hit by another spell.
“How did the exam go,
Snivelly?”
“I was watching him – his
nose was touching the parchment,” Black predictably took up the cue from his
best buddy. “There’ll be great grease marks all over it. They won’t be able to
read a word!”
Even more predictably, the
other students around them began to cackle. Severus didn’t look over, he
despised these sycophants that would be laughing still if Black now cast a
Killing Curse. ‘Oh, how funny,’ they’d say and nudge their friends, ‘these guys
are simply hilarious!’
“You wait – you wait,” he
growled, struggling with the curse’s effects and furious with himself for his
own carelessness. How could he have left his wand in his pocket – here on open
grounds with Potter and Black roaming about! He should have known! It wasn’t as
if this was the first – or tenth – or even the hundredth time. Potter and Black
had done practically nothing else in the past five years – and their Prefect
buddy Lupin over there feigned looking the other way, that ridiculous coward!
Too sissy to tell off his pals, too cowardly to join in the laughs and hazard
his Prefect badge!
Black sneered unpleasantly.
“Waiting for what? What are you going to do, Snivelly? Wipe your nose on us?”
Wasn’t this just like Black,
making fun of someone’s hay fever even, this bloody arse, this cursed son of an
inbred dynasty, this – he hardly noticed that he spoke some of the irate
comments out aloud, regrettably without eloquence. Still, Potter saw fit to
admonish him and point a hex at him filling Severus’ mouth with soap bubbles.
He swallowed the ghastly liquid, he almost suffocated on it – and the other
students laughing patently still – he had difficulties breathing due to his
allergies anyway, and his sore mucous membranes burnt with the soap running
through his nose.
“Leave him alone!”
Severus wished he was
dead. Lily had come – Lily saw him like this – how should she ever
believe in his power to protect her if he couldn’t even defend himself against
some school yard pest –
Potter puffed himself up and
smiled his sleaziest smile at Lily – she couldn’t fall for this shit,
could she – but then, Dumbledore had, too… And what did Dev always say – ‘the
chicks don’t want the nice blokes, pal!’ Severus tried to crawl to get
his wand; Lily and Potter were involved in some banter, they weren’t paying
attention, maybe he’d be able to get his wand… In the crowd, he saw Rosalind
Lestrange and Bertram Aubrey, laughing too – they shrugged their shoulders at
Severus and made a face as if to say ‘Tough luck – come on, show us why you
made it to Slytherin!’ – his fingers touched his wand and with a flush of
loathing, he managed the Sectumsempra spell non-verbally and left a nice
cut on Potter’s cheek. ‘Hopefully you’ll keep a big fat scar there, Potter!’
His luck didn’t last long
though, and his misery reached another peak, because Potter used the Levicorpus
spell on him in return – his own spell – he could see a little smirk around
Lily’s mouth – Lily! Who had been so cross with him for inventing this spell in
the first place! But of course, when Potter did it, it was a completely
different matter!
“Let him down!”
“Certainly.”
Severus crashed onto the
ground, head first; he heard an ominous crack and could taste blood in his
mouth. At last he had his wand back, he was almost trembling with hate, going
through the possible curses in his head, and even though stars were dancing
before his eyes, he finally managed to raise himself – only to be hit by
another petrifying spell.
“Leave him alone!” Lily
repeated, and Potter answered something, but Severus was too dizzy to follow,
and almost deaf and blind, suffused with wordless rage. He felt as if half of
his bones were smashed – his skull felt like bursting – but nothing, nothing
was worse than the humiliation. He barely noticed that the spell was released
after all; he saw Lily grinning smugly at Potter – did she truly find this
funny, yeah? – what had he been thinking – these were the unrivalled
heroes of her cursed House – how dared she criticise him because his
roommate Mulciber had set her roommates’ books on fire! How dared she be cross
with him for defending her roommate with a spell that hadn’t broken any
of Mulciber’s bones, that hadn’t caused him more than a minute of panicked
anguish?! Hypocrites – all of them – filthy hypocrites – and Potter their
uncrowned king! Did she really not see what Potter was?! That Potter was just
as bad as Mulciber – if that was enough – that Potter only wanted to get off
with her to flatter his vanity?! That he had probably the same sort of sick bet
running with his best buddy as Mulciber and Rosalind?! That he simply wanted ‘a
little Mudblood’ for his collection?!
“… lucky Evans was here,
Snivellus!” Potter cried in his usual complacency, and beamed at Lily. Severus
was nauseated by that grin.
“I don’t need help – from
filthy little Mudbloods – like her,” Severus croaked, wanting to hurt Potter,
and realising much too late what he had just said – actually, he wondered for a
second why Lily would look as if he had just cursed her until he saw the light.
Her eyes widened; she blinked, looking as if she had never seen him before.
“Fine. I won’t bother in the
future. And I’d wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus.”
Severus was speechless.
Speechless at her joining Potter in using the hateful name – but even more with
his own use of the word ‘Mudblood’. She herself used it often enough –
‘Mudblood and proud of it’ – and he had always tried to make her stop saying it
– and now that he had said it – and she must know that he had aimed at
Potter, not her – they’d been friends like forever – she must have
understood – but she hadn’t, judging by her look… His head was in a daze; he
saw her and Potter go on arguing before she finally stormed away, and Potter
resumed his favourite pastime, until his mate Lupin finally got up and gently
pushed down Potter’s wand arm.
“He’s bleeding,
James,” Lupin muttered. “It’s enough.”
Severus found no words to
express his fury, his unspeakable fury – he could not even voice his most
predominant thought in this moment – ‘why stop them now, Lupin – just
let them kill me – let them kill me – let them finish what they want to do so
dearly – oh, I hope my spirit lingers long enough on this plane to see how
Dumbledore hushes it all up this time around!’
“Well, well,” he heard
Rosalind Lestrange’s familiar voice, yanking on his arm to pull him up. “For
someone just sitting his Defence exams, you really wanna get up your defensive
reflexes, Savvy.”
“Get off me!”
“Whoa, mind your tone,
half-blood.”
“Shut up your ugly trap,
Lestrange! Better a half-blood than the product of centuries of inbreeding like
Black!”
She actually had the nerve
to giggle. “You call me ugly? Walked past a mirror lately? Now
come on, the old tart Pomfrey better take a look at your head. I believe you
got yourself a concussion - you’re mistaking friend and foe. Your old pal Evans
looked as if you’d slapped her!”
Maybe he had truly lost too
much blood, because he passed out on the spot again. When he awoke, he was
lying in a bed in the Infirmary, his headaches gone just like all other
physical hurt. He wished it were the other way round – his head still bursting,
but this afternoon’s memories removed. Oh Lord! Lily! He had to
apologise to Lily – he had to tell her that he didn’t mean to offend her – must
make her see what really happened – she must forgive him – they’d been arguing
far too much recently, but it was going to be all right again. Whatever she
wanted, he’d do it – if only she told him what’d been bothering her, he’d
adjust to it – oh, if only he could eat his own words – if only he hadn’t said this
– his object had been Potter, but Potter didn’t matter – if only…
It was already dark; he sat
up and removed the bandages around his head. He conjured a mirror and in the
light of his wand, he removed the last stains of blood on his lips and
knuckles. He didn’t want Lily’s pity – he wanted her forgiveness. He sneaked
out of the Infirmary and up to Gryffindor Tower. For a while, he tried to
convince the portrait guarding the entrance to let him in, by way of exception,
but she refused. Naturally. This was her job, after all.
He settled on the cold
flagstone floor, and she screeched at him, “What d’you think you’re doing
there, boy!”
“You can prevent me from
entering, but you can’t force me to leave,” he replied simply, leaning his head
against the wall and smirking at her. “I’m not going to disturb you.”
She was pouting and nagging
some more, but gave in eventually – ‘if you want to catch your death here – fine!’
He thought that it’d be all right either way. Either he did catch his death
here – unlikely though, the floor was cold, but one could scarcely die from
cold in a night in June. Or – he’d wait here until Lily emerged from the
portrait hole tomorrow morning, so he could apologise to her and they’d make
up, and everything would be as it had been, and he’d never again allow Potter
and his buddies to come between them –
“Oi!”
Turning his head, he saw
Lily’s roommate Mary Macdonald and her Hufflepuff boyfriend Abbott enter the
corridor. Abbott grabbed his wand, but Mary held him back and whispered something
into his ear. He nodded, they kissed, and the Hufflepuff vanished around the
corner again. Mary walked closer, her head inclined.
“What the heck are you doing
here, Snape?” she asked, and the witch in the portrait nodded forcefully.
“I’ve been asking exactly
the same!”
“You know that, Macdonald. I
want to talk to Lily.”
“But she doesn’t want
to talk to you.”
“Look, I know she’s angry,
and she’s got every right to be –”
Mary interrupted him with a
wave of her hand. “You understand nothing, Snape. Seriously.”
“Of course I understand!
What’s there not to understand! I behaved like an idiot – like the king of all
idiots – but I’m here to apologise. We’re friends, Macdonald!”
She shook her head. “Friends?
Really, Snape… I’d have thought you more intelligent than that.”
“I know I crossed the line –
I know, all right? But I’m here to make up with her. I’m here to beg her
forgiveness, and –”
“But she won’t come out of
here again this night! Go back to your dorm, man! If you want to apologise,
come back tomorrow morning!”
“No, I’ll stay here.”
“For what, though? Didn’t
you hear me? She was in bed already when I left – she’s sound asleep, and
she’ll be for the next six hours if that’s enough!”
“I’ll stay here.”
“What are you planning to do
– sleep on the floor?” she taunted him with a weird smile.
“Yeah. Why not!”
“That’s… You’re an odd
number, Severus Snape.”
“Yeah. That’s what I’ve been
told every single day since coming to this wretched place.”
The little smile on her lips
lingered; she proceeded to the portrait and murmured in passing, “I’ll see what
I can do. But if she’s not out here in five minutes, you really ought to go
back to the dungeons, or you’ll mess up the Ancient Runes exam tomorrow.”
“I don’t give a bloody damn
about the bloody exam. I’ll stay here and if it takes the whole night, and if
she doesn’t come out tomorrow, I’ll stay another day. She’s got to listen to me
eventually!”
Mary merely chuckled,
whispered something to the portrait and disappeared inside of the Gryffindor
Common Room. She hurried up to her dorm, laughing to herself, and carefully
opened the curtains of her friend Lily’s bed to wake her up. But Lily wasn’t
asleep. She sat leaning against the headboard, her face resting on her knees,
her arms embracing her thighs, and looked up in amazement.
“Anything wrong with Leo?”
she asked.
“Lovely as ever, he
is. No… I think you should go downstairs, Lily. There’s someone waiting in the
corridor for you.”
Lily gave a little start.
“You… Mean…”
“Of course I mean. Who
else!”
“He can rot in hell!” Lily
retorted fiercely.
“You don’t mean that.”
Oh, but she did! She had it!
Enough! She had made a fool of herself long enough, and for what, for what! To
be called a Mudblood?! To let herself be reduced to vermin, as soon as
his friends were around?! How long was she supposed to be pining for him, to be
let down over and over again!
“Go and talk to him, Lily.
He’s sitting in the corridor, swearing to your friendship, and that he’ll sleep
over in the corridor if you don’t talk to him –”
“It’s called blackmailing,
Mary!”
“Oh, get off it. He didn’t
think I’d walk by to tell you. He thought he’d be staying there until dawn.”
“Let him catch a cold then!
Maybe that will sober him up again!”
“Oh, for goodness’ sake,
Lily. The poor sod doesn’t even know just how badly he’s hurt you. He
clearly hasn’t got the slightest idea what you fee-”
“Cut it out, Mary! That’s
over! Once and for all – over!”
“Well, tell him that, then!”
“Oh, but I will!” With one
lithe move, she was out of bed and snatched her dressing gown. “Never again!
Ha! Never again! You know what? There are plenty of guys in this
school who actually like me!”
“You don’t believe he
doesn’t like you. What do you think he’s doing there, if he doesn’t like
you –”
“He doesn’t like me enough!
I deserve more than that!”
“That I can subscribe
to,” Mary admitted and put on her pyjamas.
Lily raced down the stairs,
fastening the belt of her dressing gown as she went. Yes. Yes! She’d get over
with this whole idiocy once and for all! Ph! Friends! Was this
his conception of friendship, then? All the time, she had contented herself
with being friends, but the bloody fool didn’t even manage so much, and
– argh!
She stormed into the
dimly-lit corridor, finding him on the floor, clambering to his feet when he
spotted her. “Lily,” he began with an apologetic expression, but she didn’t let
him go on.
“Get lost, Sev!”
“I’m so sorry – you know
I am – I never –”
“What do I have to do to
shut you up!”
“I’d like to know
that, too!” the Fat Lady cried behind them.
“I’m sorry –”
“I’m not interested!”
He started anew. “I’m
sorry –”
“Save your breath! I only
came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here!”
“I was! I would have done,”
he stammered, frightened witless by her expression. Her eyes were sparkling
dangerously, and there was something in her face bespeaking an adamant
determination to dismiss whatever he was going to say, but he had to try nonetheless
– he had to – and she had to listen – he only wanted her
to listen, and see how much he – that he couldn’t – without her… “I never meant
to call you Mudblood – it just –”
She sneered. “Slipped out?
It’s too late. I’ve made excuses for you for years! None of my friends can
understand why I even talk to you! You and your precious little Death
Eater Friends –” He took a deep breath to interrupt her, but thought he’d
better not speak up just now. Her voice became a tad icier yet. “You see?! You
don’t even deny it! You don’t even deny that’s what you’re all aiming to be!
You can’t wait to join You Know Who, can you!”
Yes, he had thought about
this indeed – because if he joined up, and if he did his stuff well, he’d be
able to protect her – Mulciber had said so – so had Lucius – Lucius had said
that he was guarding over Narcissa’s brother-in-law, even though their other
sister had set her heart on murdering that bloke. Being a proper Death Eater
meant being capable of guarding those that one loved – Severus would look after
Lily, he wouldn’t allow anyone to harm her – he’d never allow anyone to harm
her – but he could impossibly tell her that, could he?!
Lily glared at him and
lifted her shoulders now. “I can’t pretend any more – you’ve chosen your way,
I’ve chosen mine!”
There was finality in her
words, and Severus knew he’d have to say something, even if he couldn’t
disclose his real feelings on this subject. “No! Listen! I didn’t mean –”
“To call me Mudblood?!” He
winced back with the disdain in her voice. “But you call everyone else of my
birth Mudblood, Severus – why should I be any different!”
Because he loved her!
Because she used that word over and over again and he simply never had
the guts to tell her to stop! Because she was his best friend – his only real
friend – because he had sworn to himself many years ago that there was nothing
that he wouldn’t do for her! Because – because – he would protect her,
come death, famine, or apocalypse! He could! She might have got the wrong
impression today – but he really, really could! He had been training so much,
and once he was out of this cursed school – where he would get into awful trouble
using that kind of magic – but in real life, he could shield her,
he could! And one day she would look at him and see him as he really
was, she would understand him, she would understand what he felt on her
account, and if nothing else, she would be grateful for his protection, and
they’d always, always remain friends, like they had always been, and –
He realised that he hadn’t
uttered a single word and that she was halfway through the portrait hole again.
She turned around once more and shook her head with the most terrible sneer.
Then she was gone, and the fat ugly portrait inhabitant scowled at him.
“You spoke your piece, young
man – now bugger off, will you!”
In a helpless gesture of
fury and frustration, he shook his wand at the picture. “Shut up! Shut up!”
“Or what? Will you try to
curse me, boy? Hm? You can’t stun a portrait, you know?”
True. He put on his best
sneer and shot her a look sparkling with spite. “I cannot stun you. But
slashing canvas is really the easiest thing in the world.”
The fat woman blanched
visibly, even in the dim light. “You wouldn’t dare!”
“Haven’t you heard the girl?
I’ve chosen my way, have I?” He grinned in utter disdain and flicked his wand,
focusing his mind on the Sectumsempra, and cleanly cut the portrait out
of its frame to fall down onto the floor, nagging and ranting with indignation.
“Now consider yourself lucky if I don’t set you on fire. Nighty night!”
He felt an idiotic wave of
triumph washing over him, even if it didn’t last for long. So he had won an
argument with a portrait – big deal! Bah! He stalked down the endless
stairs, wondering where to go. Into his dorm? To Dev and Travis?! No blithering
way! Into the Common Room – facing Rosalind? Bloody unlikely! Back into the
Infirmary? He thought about this option for a minute, but remembering what
Madam Pomfrey would do once she discovered that he had taken off his bandages
and sneaked off… Rather not. He had been dressed down badly enough for today.
Irresolutely, he made for
the ground floor, and once he got there, he turned towards the rear entrance to
the greenhouses. It was a warm night, he could sleep in one of the deserted
greenhouses… Slowly, and unwillingly too, the bottom line of all this sunk in
after all. So this was it…? That should have been the end of his
friendship with Lily? A friendship that had lasted for seven years? Over – just
like that? Because of one sodding wrong word?! She couldn’t possibly
mean it! She couldn’t!
He squeezed his eyes shut,
trying to dispel the memories, but unable to succeed. The look in her eyes –
this afternoon, just now in the corridor… The cold, final tone of her voice…
Yes, they had had their fights before. About trifles, too. But never had
she looked at him like this, never had she talked in such a detached manner.
She did mean what she had said.
He broke into the
greenhouse, not bothering for a reversible spell, but simply destroying the
handle. It didn’t matter. Should they chuck him out of school, he didn’t care.
Every freaking day in this place had been miserable – he wouldn’t want to
prolong his stay, would he! Without Lily – without their friendship – it didn’t
matter anyhow. Why should he care for Hogwarts? Why should he care for
anything?! None of this mattered anymore. And if he was kicked out, he could
join up with the Death Eaters straight away, couldn’t he? He sneered. ‘You Know
Who’s Chosen Youth, Lily? Yes? Oh, you’ll see!’
Well, apparently Lily no
longer wanted to pursue their original plan for the summer then, right?
Bicycling along the Thames, from Maidenhead to Blenheim and Stowe and back home
again? No, how could they go cycling together if they had chosen different
ways! She’d end up in Ipswich instead, poor thing! Ha! And if he didn’t
have to spend the summer with her, he could just as well accept Lucius’
and Narcissa’s invitation to spend a few days with them, right? Oh yes,
that’s what he’d do! He would have the time of his life, and surely he’d
meet a whole lot of people she’d despise, and he wouldn’t have to feel guilty
or bad about spending time with them, while she was sitting around at home,
with her despicable Muggle sister, both of them moping and miserable, ha! Ha!
HA!
“You wait and see, Lily, you
wait and see!” He kicked a terracotta pot into a corner, chortling maniacally.
“You just wait, Lily Evans. You stick with brutes and idiots like Potter, oh
yes – see where it gets you!”
* You can
still stop the word unspoken – once it has left your mouth, it cannot be
reversed.
*****
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